Question
I really liked a man and wanted to marry him. But after doing istikhara, I’ve found it more difficult to convince my parents and felt a little disconnected from him.
I often make dua to remove my affection for him if we are not meant to be together, but I find myself thinking of marrying him all the time. I am not sure if this is from the Devil or from Allah. However, since it looks like I won’t get to marry him, I have given up hope on Allah answering the prayer of me being with him in this world. I know soon enough I will have to marry another suitable man.
Is it a sin if I give up hope on my dua? If so, how do I manage to move on and be hopeful at the same time?
Answer
Thank you for your question. It is not sinful at all to give up on this kind of dua because you are following your istikhara and that is a sign of submission to Allah’s decree.
Istikhara
The only thing that you should focus on is following your istikhara. If it is negative, you are doing the right thing and you don’t need to keep praying to be with him when Allah is showing you that you should not pursue it. Continuously praying to be with him is futile. Follow the guidance and you will have much goodness and blessings with the man that you are meant to marry.
Impatience
One of the etiquettes of supplication (dua) is that one not be impatient about receiving an answer, and I believe you were speaking about this when you asked if it was sinful to give up on your dua. The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace), said “The supplication of every one of you is granted if he does not grow impatient and say: ‘I supplicated but it was not granted.’” [Muslim] However, this doesn’t apply to your case when you are asking for something even after Allah has shown you not to pursue it.
Etiquette
Please review the etiquettes of supplication here:
Adab of Dua Series: Introduction and Etiquette
The Reality and Etiquettes of Supplication: A Reader
Moving on
Moving on is not easy, but I guarantee that you will leave him in the past, with time, patience, and supplication (dua). Delete his contact, unfollow him on social media, and keep yourself busy with what benefits you. Turn to Allah with regular prayers and read Quran with the meaning daily. Take courses here at Seekers and review your obligatory knowledge. Keep the company of pious girls who influence you to be your best, serve those around you, and volunteer for charitable work. Attach yourself to Allah, and you will find everything else dwindle away.
Please see these links:
How Can I Get Over My Desire of Wanting a Certain Man To Propose to Me?
My Heart Has Been Broken by a Man But I Can’t Move On. How to Get Over This?
How Do I Get Over Feelings for Someone Who Got Engaged to Someone Else?
Please remember this hadith and be content with leaving this man, “Verily, you will never leave anything for the sake of Allah Almighty but that Allah will replace it with something better.” [Ahmad]
May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqida, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.