Question
I wanted to ask how can we avoid misbehavior? I have been under constant oppression from my maternal family. After my father’s death, my paternal family didn’t take us in, my mum’s brothers did. However, since a very young age, I’ve been experiencing severe toxicity from their wives and children. Things have gotten worse since my mum’s sister always tries to shut us up. Because of this, I’ve started misbehaving.
Answer
Assalamu alaykum,
Thank you for your question. May Allah enter your father into the highest gardens of Paradise and reunite you with him in full bliss and in the company of the beloved. I empathize with your frustration and with your feeling of being trapped.
Patience
First, you should know that it is not right for anyone to mistreat you, not your parents, nor their siblings, nor any relative or friend. If they do, it is because of their own low self-confidence and lack of skills to resolve a conflict.
The Prophet,(Allah bless him and give him peace), gave us this advice: “The believer who mixes with people and bears their annoyance with patience will have a greater reward than the believer who does not mix with people and does not put up with their annoyance.” [Ibn Majah]
Steps
Other than this, you should try the following steps to help you deal with her:
-When she annoys you, choose silence over talking back. This will help you stay calm.
-If you are standing, sit down, if you are sitting, lie down. Make wudu to cool off.
-Keep your contact with her minimal, do your part around the house, and keep yourself busy with learning, worship, spending time with good friends, exercise, and spending time with positive people.
-Don’t challenge her or attack her, it will make things worse.
-Remember that you won’t live with her forever, you just have to work hard to become independent and be the best that you can be until that time.
-Ask Allah to guide you and strengthen you and relieve you, before dawn is best.
-Rely upon Him and trust that He will remove you from this situation soon.
Resources
See these tips as well:
How Do We Maintain Family Ties With Bloodthirsty Relatives?
What Should I Do Amongst All the Drama and Hate Between My Relatives?
What is the Minimum Amount of Relationship I Have to Keep with a Relative I Hate?
Most importantly ponder this hadith and take action: The Prophet, may Allah bless him and give him peace, said, “There are three whose supplication is not rejected: The fasting person when he breaks his fast, the just leader, and the supplication of the oppressed person; Allah raises it up above the clouds and opens the gates of heaven to it. And the Lord says: ‘By My might, I shall surely aid you, even if it should be after a while.’” [Tirmidhi]
May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, Tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Master’s in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.