My family situation is not very good. I am an only son of 27 years of age who is seeking marriage. I have alhamdulillah both parents who are nearing old age and two siblings who are dependent upon me because of their learning disabilities. Any potential brides are instantly rejecting me without even meeting when they discover my family situation. I feel I may be on the turn to total despair, and the urge to sin keeps entering my mind despite my never having engaged in any relations before.
Thank you for your question. I really empathize with your situation and see your frustration. You need a wife who is strong, devout, loving, helpful, and kind, and I am certain that Allah will send her to you if you muster all the patience and courage that you have.
Rights of a Wife
The reason that girls flee when they hear about your situation is that they fear you will not be able to give them their marital rights. You must decide how exactly you will take care of your parents, wife, and siblings and plan accordingly. Would she have to live with the whole family, or could you move out with your wife? Would you be able to provide separate living quarters? Would it be possible to provide her own kitchen, bathroom, and bedroom? Once you know what you can provide, you should lay it out clearly for any prospective bride and leave the rest up to Allah. Any girl that flees is not the right girl for you, and that is a blessing in disguise.
Prepare for Marriage
Instead of thinking about your urges to sin, focus on preparing yourself for marriage. Have you saved up enough money for bedroom furniture, her marriage-payment, or other necessities? Have you taken a course to learn all of your rights and responsibilities of marriage? Have you reviewed your personally obligatory knowledge to be sure that you know what is valid and what is not? Have you looked into all of the social services available to help your siblings so that it will be easier for yourself and your wife?
Turn to Allah
With any problem, turn to the One who sent you the problem to solve it. Give in charity, ask Allah for the best outcome for you, and do not be impatient.
The Prophet, Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, “The supplication of every one of you is granted if he does not grow impatient and say: I supplicated, but it was not granted.“ [Muslim]
I guarantee you that Allah hears you and that He will make everything happen at the right time. Submit to His will, read His book every day, and do not transgress His bounds. Every time you have a lustful thought, seek refuge from the Devil, make dhikr, or bless the Prophet, Allah bless him and grant him peace. He will eventually tire of whispering these thoughts to you because you just end up remembering Allah. Surround yourself with good friends and family who are a positive influence and make sure you take steps to self-care because you are taking care of so many. You do not want to burn out.
See the following links and take the course below to help you in this journey:
Remember that Allah does not abandon the one who is having ihsan (excellence) with his family. May Allah give you the best of this world and the next and bless your union with whomever the lucky lady is.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.