Answered by Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil
Question: Assalam aleykum,
I do not want my wife to stay in contact with her former stepdaughter because I want her to cut all ties with her ex-husband. Am I doing the right thing?
Answer:Assalamualaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,
I pray this finds you well. Please forgive me for the delay.
Marriage
I encourage you and your wife to enrol in and complete this course: Marriage in Islam: Practical Guidance for Successful Marriages.
Step-daughter
It sounds like you feel very strongly about not wanting your wife to stay in contact with her former step-daughter. Please take a step back, and try to look at this through the lens of the Akhirah.
Your wife is the closest Muslim to her former stepdaughter. She raised her from the tender age of 3 to the age of 10. Although I do not know your wife, I can testify to the love a mother has for her child, and her stepchild. Nurturing such a young child is challenging and transformative, and it also sets a foundation for a lifetime of love, trust and affection. Please do not underestimate the love a mother can have for her stepchild.
How do you think her stepdaughter will feel, if the stepmother she loves dearly, no longers stays in contact with her? Please consider this within the context of this girl living with the instability of divorced parents, neither of whom are Muslim. What is the merciful response?
Children
It is natural to want to protect one’s children from any kind of harm. I get the impression that you feel your wife’s previous marriage is something she needs to hide from your children.
Marriage and divorce are halal. Your wife did not commit a sin by marrying her former husband, nor did she sin by divorcing him. Rather, she showed great courage by ending her marriage, despite knowing that it would earn her the unfortunate stigma of being a divorcee. She did something nurturing and compassionate by raising her stepdaughter as her own. Her relationship with her stepdaughter is not something she needs to be ashamed of, either. I pray that her stepdaughter enters Islam, and that is better than this world and everything in it.
What messages do you wish to send to your children about marriage, divorce, and stepchildren? Your children will learn more from what you do, and who you are, far more than what you say. Please reflect on this.
Fears
Abu Huraira reported Allah’s Messenger (upon him be blessings and peace) as saying: “Charity does not in any way decrease the wealth and the servant who forgives Allah adds to his respect, and the one who shows humility Allah elevates him in the estimation (of the people).” [Sahih Muslim]
What are you afraid of? Your wife has divorced her ex-husband, and chosen to be with you. Are you concerned that staying in contact with her ex-husband will threaten the state of your marriage? Instead of a blanket ban, what are some practical strategies you can implement to allay your concerns?
I suggest that you accompany your wife when she goes to visit her former stepdaughter. This way, your wife will always be chaperoned, especially when her ex-husband is present. This will take a considerable amount of humility on your part, so view this as an excellent opportunity for you to cultivate that Prophetic quality.
Counselling
Your marital situation is complex. I encourage you both to sit down and speak to a culturally-sensitive marriage counsellor.
A marriage consists of a husband, and a wife, and their baggage. For a marriage to thrive, both parties need to go through a period of painful growth.
I urge you to reconsider your stance, for the sake of the girl, your wife, and most of all, for the sake of what will please Allah. Treat this an opportunity for you to learn flexibility, compassion, and forgiveness.
Empathy
Imagine the situation were reversed, and it was you who helped to raise a young child. If your wife demanded that you cut ties with the child you considered your own, how would you feel? How would you respond?
I pray that Allah grants you a true realisation of being of service to your family; one where you give up what you want, for what others want, for the sake of pleasing Allah.
May Allah grant you wisdom, kindness, empathy, and a heart big enough to love your wife, and her past, in its entirety. The wonderful woman you married is wonderful because of her past, and not in spite of it.
Please see:
Love, Marriage and Relationships in Islam: All Your Questions Answered
Wassalam,
[Ustadha] Raidah Shah Idil
Checked & Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil has spent almost two years in Amman, Jordan, where she learned Shafi’i’ fiqh, Arabic, Seerah, Aqeedah, Tasawwuf, Tafsir and Tajweed. She continues to study with her Teachers in Malaysia and online through SeekersGuidance Global. She graduated with a Psychology and English degree from University of New South Wales, was a volunteer hospital chaplain for 5 years and has completed a Diploma of Counselling from the Australian Institute of Professional Counsellors. She lives in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, with her husband, daughter, and mother-in-law.