Answered by Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil
Question: Assalam alaikum,
I have been in a very long relationship with a man. We have been engaged several years. A lot of rumor came to me during this time regarding his bad behaviour with other women and he has became very distant to me. Now I am lost and I don’t know what to do especially since I am very close to his family.
1) Should I go personally meet him and ask for clarifications?
2) If he really doesn’t want me anymore how can I stop thinking about him all the time? My heart is broken.
3)Should I tell his parents that we are no longer together? I love his family.
4) Give me advice on this whole situation. I feel very weak.
Answer: Assalamualaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,
I pray that you are well. May Allah ease your sorrow. Tests of heartbreak are amongst the hardest trials which we encounter in this dunya. These trials are also one of the swiftest means of attaining closeness to Allah.
In response to your questions:
1) I would advise against meeting him. It is clear from his lack of contact with you that he is no longer interested in marrying you. Although this must be very hurtful for you, trying to see him in person will only worsen your heartache. He may not even want to see you. Save your heart further pain by accepting the Decree of Allah.
2) Every day, read Ayatul Kursi with the intention of asking Allah to lift this tribulation from your heart. Pray Salatul Hajat during the last third of the night and plead with Allah to ease your heartache, and to replace what you lost with something better. You have been involved with this man for a very long time, but have trust that Allah, the Turner of Hearts, can heal your heartbreak. You are a Muslimah, and Allah has honoured you with belief. You are deserving of a faithful and loving Muslim husband who will not have dalliances behind your back or involve you in a pre-marital relationship which drags on for years.
“And among His signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between your hearts. Verily in that are signs for those who reflect.” [Quran 30:21]
3) To help you make a decision about whether or not you should stay in contact with his family, perform Salatul Istikhara . In the interest of letting go of your attachment to him, I would strongly suggest that you say goodbye to his family and stop visiting them. Do not allow your heart any seed of hope. Close that door so that you can move forward.
4) All suffering in this world is temporary, even heartbreak which seems unending. Channel your grief into dua and ask Allah to grant contentment with His Decree. Increase in your acts of worship and busy your heart with remembrance of Allah, the One who will never let you down.
I know of many Muslim women who suffered tremendous heartbreak, made their repentance, accepted Allah’s Decree, then shortly after, Allah blessed them with a righteous spouse. I pray that Allah has written a righteous and loving husband for you in this dunya.
“…But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you; and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you. And Allah knows, while you know not.” [Quran 2:216]
Please refer to these links:
Is there a concept of “soulmates” in Islam?
Hearts broken for Allah’s sake
Selected Prophetic Prayers for Spiritual, Physical and Emotional Wellbeing by Chaplain Ibrahim Long
Coping with tragedy
Checked & Approved by Faraz Rabbani