Answered by Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil
Question: I feel so unwanted by my husband. I have gained so much weight since our first baby. Every time I try to approach my husband, he makes up excuses. My mother was hypercritical of my physical appearance. I think she was right when I see what is happening with my husband. I feel like a complete disappointment as a wife. What should I do?
Answer: Assalamualaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,
I pray this finds you well. Dear sister, may Allah grant you a way out of this tribulation, and bless you with a healthy, loving and mutually satisfying marriage.
Professional help
It sounds like you and your husband are in great need of a compassionate, culturally-sensitive counsellor. Please find one in your locality. It might be a hit and miss process before you find a suitable counsellor, but please, please persist. You need a trained professional to help you both find your way back together. When you are enquiring, please check that your counsellor/therapist is trained to deal with sexual problems in marriage.
On another note, experiencing pain during marital relations is a sign that something is amiss. Please see a female physiotherapist who specialises in pelvic health. InshaAllah she will be able to address your difficulties issue through a holistic approach. Women hold trauma within their pelvic region, and a holistic physiotherapist can help you release that pain.
Please don’t be ashamed. Libido mismatches are common in marriage. So many couples struggle with the same difficulties which you and your husband are dealing with. This trial does not make you a failure as a wife. Please don’t despair. Trust in the Mercy of Allah and have faith that you can overcome anything through His help.
Past wounds
I am so sorry about your years of emotional abuse at the hands of your mother. May Allah help you heal, and guide your mother. Your wounds have not healed, and it is causing you added grief in your marriage. Please see a kind counsellor who can help you learn to come to peace with yourself and your past. These demons will not let you go until you face them.
Moving forward
Alhamdulilah for the blessing of your child. Your son, like all children, will learn from observing his parents. Please heal your marriage not just for your sake and your husband’s, but for his sake too. Please give him the foundation of a strong and loving home, in which his parents are truly at peace with one another. Although matters of the bedroom are private, as you know, unhappiness there can bleed into all other areas of your married life.
Please perform the Prayer of Need and ask Allah to bless you with better emotional physical/emotional health, a suitable counsellor, for Allah to heal your marriage, and whatever else you wish. Please do everything in your power to save your marriage, and know that these things take time and patience.
Last resort
It was narrated from ‘Abdullah bin ‘Umar that: the Messenger of Allah (upon him be blessings and peace) said: “The most hated of permissible things to Allah is divorce.” [Sunan Ibn Majah]
If all else fails and you want to consider divorce, please perform the Prayer of Guidance. You can pray up til seven times, and watch what Allah unfolds for you. If He makes reconciliation easy with your husband, then that is your path. If He blocks it, then that is your path. Again, please do everything you can before considering this as an option.
Please refer to the following links:
A Reader on Patience and Reliance on Allah
Staying Connected to Your Purpose Even When Your Marriage is Rocky, by Ustadha Anse Tamara Gray
What Are Some Prophetic Supplications That Can Help Me Deal With Trials in My Life?
Wassalam,
Raidah
Checked & Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani