Please can you give me some advice on how to act/respond to my parents when it comes to disputes and interference with my marriage.
My wife, child, and I currently live with my parents in their house. Like any typical marriage, conflicts between me and my wife do occur but these are very few in number, short and easily resolved. Despite this I have an overall happy relationship with my wife.
The main problems/arguments occur between my mother and my wife.
My mother is interfering with my marriage a lot and says a lot of hurtful things to my wife, as a result they start arguing. My mother also complains to my wife saying that she does not take care of me like a wife should do. I have told my mother that this is not true and that I am happy with my wife. Even my father has told my mother to stop interfering but she does not listen to him either.
Recently my mother promised me that she would no longer interfere in our marriage and leave us alone but she broke that promise shortly afterwards when she began arguing and complaining to me about my wife (about how she does not look after me) and also got my father involved in the argument too. I am a very calm, passive person and I am already aware that I cannot (and do not) argue back, answer back, shout or get aggressive with my parents, and that I should treat them with respect at all times. So I advised both of them that I have no complaints with my wife and that I don’t want to get into any further arguments and that they should just leave the matter but they continued to interrogate me.
As a result my wife got involved and things got very heated since my wife, my mother and father cannot control their anger (as I have witnessed in the past). They all ended up trying to shout over each other and I was stuck in the middle trying to calm everyone down.
Now I have been insulted, sworn at and disowned by both parents and they are not speaking to me or my wife. All I wanted them to do was stop arguing and live in peace (which I clearly and calmly explained). Not once during any argument or abuse that I received did I raise my voice, or return abuse back to my parents so I don’t know what I have done wrong to deserve this treatment. Please can you also advise whether my parents are justified in being upset with me because I fear that if my parents are upset with me and should I or they die in this state (Allah forbid) then I am going to go to hell for sure (Allah forbid). May Allah forgive and help me in this tormenting situation.
In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.
As-salāmu ‘alaykum wa-rahmatullāhi wa-barakātuh.
The dispute in reference is unfortunate. However, your calm and tolerant attitude is praiseworthy.
Our advice is you wait for a few days to let the emotions settle down. Thereafter you may approach your parents and enquire the reasons for their anger and disappointment. That will give you the opportunity to understand them and address the issue. You should explore the avenue of living separately. Initially, this may be challenging. However, it will be rewarding in the long term. Turn to Allah and make dua and zikr to Allah to assist you to overcome your challenge. We too are making dua for you.
And Allah Ta’āla Knows Best
Muhammad Haris Siddiqui
Student Darul Iftaa
Checked and Approved by,
Mufti Ebrahim Desai.