Assalam-o-alikum! I am a very confused type of person I get confused, depressed for all the things that go against my expectations. I am very stubborn person in the sense that it takes me long to accept my mistake. I recently performed Umrah and I felt that my heart was purified from all these things and I was feeling quite relaxed..with no tensions of surroundings?.. I am a university student, I am always curious about my surroundings, how I appear to them, what they think about me, do I look attractive, or even if I do any good deed for Allah’s sake the same question arises in mind that THOSE people would think Good about me. I have a very bad habit of GHEEBAT, and I get attracted with the opposite sex easily, I try to control my emotions, but BY THE GRACE OF ALLAH, I try to control my emotions as I belong to well reputed family, and I always pray ALLAH, to maintain my prestige, as to ppl I appear like to be strict, & and a strong person WITH STRONG POSITIVE CHARACTER & they appraise it that she belongs to a good family. One more thing that I have started taking DUPATTA to cover myself, NOW WHAT SHOULD I DO NEXT? I WANT TO GET DISTRACTED FROM THIS SHOWOFF, WANT PEACE OF MIND, AND WANT TO BECOME A GOOD PERSON WHO DO NOT CARES ABOUT WHAT PEOPLE THINK, WHAT THEY SAY? I WANT TO ACQUIRE ISHQ OF ALLAH! PLEASE TELL ME WHAT DUAS TO RECITE, WHAT ACTIONS TO PERFORM, PLEASE HELP ME TO COME ON THE RIGHT TRACK!!
Jazakallah for writing to the institute with a desire to strengthen your
Imaan and for wanting to develop a better character.This is indeed a great
step you have taken by reflecting about your thoughts and deeds which not
only affect you but also those around you. It is better to realise that when
one makes mistakes, (which is normal for human beings to do), one should
also work towards not repeating those mistakes.
This can be achieved by changing one’s attitude and actions rather than to
go through life believing one is always right and perfect. It would appear
that your Umrah trip has had a positive affect on you, so insha’allah, all
that you asked and promised Allah Ta’ala you will now work towards
achieving. Alhamdoelillah, when you turn towards Allah Ta’ala in the way you
have decided to do in seeking guidance and knowledge, rest assured that He
is very pleased with you.
You need to firstly accept that not every task you attempt or everything you
/others do is going to work out the way you desire or want it to. This is
an unrealistic expectation on yourself and on the world. Nobody in this
world is perfect and as long you have this expectation of others and even of
yourself, you will be an unfulfilled person or as you say, “a confused,
depressed and stubborn person”. You are the one who knows best how others
respond to you when you sulk, remain stubborn and refuse to accept your
faults. You need to examine how you can change your responses to adverse
situations so that you can ‘grow’ positively as an individual. By taking
responsibility for your thoughts and actions, you will be able to work out
how you will allow your environment to affect you and also figure out what
you will have to overlook to get on with your life. This also means telling
yourself, “I cannot do everything, nor can anybody else”; “I am not perfect,
nor is anybody else”, “I am not the most attractive, nor is anybody else”,
etc.
When you demand and expect what is realistic from others, you will be able
to accept that you yourself have limitations. When you see the faults in
yourself, you will start seeing good in others to the extent that you will
realize that no one is perfect. You write about your tendency to have
‘pride’ in terms of being unable to admit your mistakes, wanting and
wondering if people think good of you and your desire to be accepted by
others all the time. In light of what I have described above, my hope is you
will be able to work on your needs and your wants. Our wants nearly always
far surpass our needs. So here again, make a list of your needs and your
wants. Go through your list and ponder over what you think is realistic and
unrealistic in your list. Then work out how you will eliminate that which
will not serve as a ‘positive’ in your life. Do this slowly so that you do
not become frustrated. Over a period of time you will find yourself holding
onto opinions, responses, beliefs and attitudes which will help you towards
maturity and personal growth.
Remember too that our Nabi (sallallaahu alayhi wassallam) is reported to
have said that “The person with an atoms weight of Pride will not see
Jannah”. Pride comes from the influence of shaitaan. You could remind
yourself daily that everything you own or have, beauty, intelligence,
wealth, health etc is purely from the treasures of Allah Ta’ala and that you
should be thanking Him for it all as it is not at all through your own
effort that you have these ne’maah. Ask your Creator to go on showering
these blessings on you and never to deprive you of any of them. A good way
to overcome your pride is to consciously tell yourself that everything you
say and do is purely for the pleasure of Allah Ta’ala. Whether you help
someone, give a date or water in charity, work industriously to pass an exam
with flying colours, overlook an insult or if someone hurts you and you
forgive them. Let your deeds and words reflect a desire to earn Allah
Ta’ala’s pleasure and not the compliments, praises and approval of your
fellow human beings. This will help you to develop Ikhlaas (sincerity) which
is very loved by Allah Ta’ala. So instead of seeking to please yourself or
others, seek to please your Creator only. if you helped someone and they
don’t thank you, do not be offended, ask Allah Ta’ala for the rewards in the
aagirah and don’t have ill-feelings against anybody. You will give up your
bad habits not because you will be disliked by your fellow human beings, but
because you will earn the pleasure if Allah Ta’ala.
In giving up gossiping, think of the rewards you will earn from your
Creator. When you hide the faults of others in this world, Allah Ta’ala will
hide your faults on the day of Qiyamat when you will be in desperate need of
good deeds. It is said that when we gossip about somebody, all our good
deeds are handed over to the person whom we think is so bad, and that
person’s evil deeds are deposited in our records for future punishment.
Imagine giving over all your salaah, fasts, zakaah, hadj, good deeds etc.
and being ‘penniless’ on the day when you will need all these virtues to
save you from the punishment of Jahannaum. Once you have said something bad
about a person to another, the deed is done and very difficult to undo.
As far as your dressing and contact with men is concerned, think of Allah
Ta’ala’s commands about modesty (haya), and not intermingling with non
mahram, anywhere, even in your home and zinna. You are precious to Allah
Ta’ala. That is why through the examples of the sunnahs and following the
examples of the most devoted women of Islam (the wives of Nabi (sallallaahu
alayhi wassallam), you have been shown the ways to guard your beauty and
modesty. Only those men who appreciate you as the loving Creation of Allah
Ta’ala should see your beauty displayed. You are not an object, so make
sure you are not treated as one by non mahram men. It is up to you to make
sure that you cover up your body in a way that your body shape is not
revealed. The fabric of your clothing should be of a thickness such that
your skin or hair shade are not revealed. Wear a cloak or abaya over your
attractive and beautiful clothes so that you do not attract attention in
public. Avoid unnecessary contact with non-mahram men and if you have to
speak to them, use firm business like speech and speak only what is
necessary. Do not lower your voice nor make it appealing. There is so much
more to learn, as you know we have been commanded to seek knowledge from the
cradle to the grave. Set aside some hours a week to gain knowledge of deen
so that once you understand and realise what a wonderful deen you have been
born into. As you move closer to Allah Ta’ala you will desire and seek to
please your Creator more and more. By observing the sunnahs you will be
bringing alive all that is most blessed and precious in your life as a
Muslim. Encourage your family members to join you in learning and teaching
so that all of you can benefit, insha’allah.
Most important, perform your five salaah daily on time, with perfect wudhu,
attention, sincerity, postures and concentration. Ask Allah Ta’ala to grant
you the ability to do whatever pleases Him, so even when you make zikr, dua
and recite the Quran, learn the best approach possible to gain maximum
benefits and gain the Ishq of Allah Ta’ala which you so desire. May Allah
Ta’ala grant you the closeness and His love which you seek. Ameen.
and Allah Ta’ala Knows Best
1SOCIAL DEPT.
CHECKED AND APPROVED: Mufti Ebrahim Desai