Jazakallah for writing to the institute and for seeking our advice.
I am pleased that you have been going onto the website of this institute. I also hope that the information you have read thus far has been of value to you and that you have been able to put much of it into practice. Please do let me know which aspects have had an impact on you.
Sister, you mention that you are twelve years old and that you are interested in a boy who has one parent who is a Muslim and the other isn’t.
I hope you will allow me to tell you about my childhood for a moment. When I reflect back on, oh, so many years ago, I remember a shy girl who couldn’t even look at or talk to boys without feeling I was going to fall down. Typical 12 year old response, right? I am pleased my parents sent me to a girl’s only school for most of my schooling. I had an elder brother who taught me how to play cricket, tennis, table tennis and badminton. He encouraged me to read books galore, he always said to me that when I reached grade 12, I would thank him for mastering English. Well, I can’t say I have mastered the language, but I sure am grateful to him for the time he spent with me and the good influence he had on me.
I guess in many ways my upbringing and exposure to life was so different from the one you young folk are undergoing in the West at the moment. We had no television in those years in this country and our media was “neat.” I mean like there were no nude or semi- nude pictures in family papers, there were no pressures to have a boyfriend in our teens and no risk of being considered a wimp or a nerd if there was no guy in one’s life.
It must be confusing for you at times as to which trend to follow to be “accepted” by the “in-crowd” and to be cool and hip at the same time. Please do tell me, do you find that being a young Muslim girl in the United Kingdom is sometimes stressful? If it is, please tell me how and why you find it so. Do you also find that your knowledge of how a Muslim girl / woman should behave and how you see those around you behave increases your confusion?
Do forgive me for asking you all these questions, but it is the first time I have had a query from someone so young and I would like to hear your opinions and impressions on what life is like for young Muslims in your part of the world. Would you like to tell me how many brothers and sisters you have and what occupations your parents are in? Do you have the opportunity to attend Islamic classes, if so, how often do you go?
You ask about having a boyfriend. This may be the trend in the circle of friends you have. It may even be the “in-thing” with the girls you hang out with. However, dear sister, since you have written to ask for advice, my suggestion to you is, rather concentrate on obtaining your education, both secular and Islamic. Do suggest to this friend of your to do the same.
You are Allah Ta’ala’s gift to your parents. You are a precious diamond, to be treasured, protected and cherished by those who will love you for the qualities which lie hidden in you (and not for your body or any worldly reason). You are a young girl and you have perhaps started menstruating. Even if you haven’t started menstruating, you will soon find your body undergoing tremendous physical and physiological changes, perhaps some which even you cannot cope with. Your hormones are probably running “amok” with you already. Sometimes you feel that you are an adult, able to take on the world and solve the problems we adults are making a mess of. Yet on other days you will find that things are just too much for you and you need to “chill” some place safe with your friends..
You are only at the beginning of your life so to speak, you have your whole life ahead of you. As a soon to be teenager, you need to look forward to how you can fulfill the reason why Allah Ta’ala has placed you here on earth. You also need an education which will equip you to deal with your daily needs in the secular world.
The question is not whether you should have a boyfriend who has one parent who is a Muslim or not. As Muslims, we have no such options. Since you are a reciter of the Kalima ” Laailaaha illallaa Mohammad-ur rasoollullah,” it is incumbent upon you to adhere to certain commands which are directly from Allah Ta’ala and also to adhere to the teachings of Nabi (sallalaahu alayhi wassallam).
You need to keep yourself clear of any influences which will lead you away from your duty to Allah Ta’ala. You may think that you are ready to take on the responsibility of a relationship with a guy. Your body may be that of an adult in the sense that you can procreate. However remember that you are still so young, so vulnerable and perhaps not even strong enough to deal with the demands a guy can make on you. What if you are taken advantage of? How can you judge the sincerity of a boy when he himself is very young? What if you lose your heart to him and you dumps you? Islam has protected us from the emotional pressures of temporary relationships. We are not given permission by Allah Ta’ala to have boyfriends. There is a saying in South Africa which goes, “it is Hip 2 B square.” I personally think that it is more “cool 2 B square” than to just do what others do.
You are probably aware of many groups in your community where Islamic activities take place. In these groups there are dedicated adults who are prepared to steer you towards acquiring sound Islamic knowledge which will help you to realize your full responsibilities as a Muslim woman. Ask your friend to attend programmes for Boys too so that he can learn more about Islam and become a more active member since one of his parents is not a Muslim. Allah Ta’ala will reward you abundandly for guiding another person to Islam and He will reward you for obeying His commands willingly and sincerely. Try to learn as much as you can about Islam and the honorable status Allah Ta’ala has given to you as a Muslim woman.
Islam does not allow us to have boyfriends. It allows us to have husbands. This may sound old fashioned to you but it isn’t. Allah Ta’ala in His wisdom protects us from being taken advantage of and from being ridiculed. Most certainly Shaitaan ridicules us when we disobey Allah Ta’ala’s commands.
We women have been given much more modesty then men. This is why we must protect our bodies and minds from being touched by men who will not value us as very special beings and creations of Allah Ta’ala. The only man who should touch you with desire, love and intimacy is a husband. He will appreciate you and treasure for your good qualities, your piety and your upright character. A boyfriend will move on in a few weeks, months or years. You are not an item to be used and discarded like a disposable glove.
So do think about not having a boyfriend. Rather concentrate on your education and strive to learn as much as you can about your role as a Muslim woman. I would also like to hear from you again. Do write sometime.
May Allah Ta’ala guide and protect you from harm, ameen.
and Allah Ta’ala Knows Best
Sister Fadila
SOCIAL DEPT.
CHECKED AND APPROVED: Mufti Ebrahim Desai