my wife and i dont get on at all. Our marriage has been plagued with probs from the day her parents started to get involved in silly little quabbles abd we need advice and guidance for the best course of action.
It started from day one of our marriage when her mother asked my wife what she intends to do with the money given at our wedding. Wife didnt say anything so i said that we will put the cash in the bank. Her mother said my daughter will give hers to her dad and invest them in shares. I said that we havent discussed it and will let u know. Her mother didnt like what i said and stated that thats what her dad wants and thats what she will do. I left the matter at that as i thought it wasnt a bad idea but it was the manner in which it was presented. Then came the issue with our court marriage. My wifes mother again asked her daughter what she is going to wear, and her mother said to wear the white wedding dress she wore at the wedding. I said that she will not wear that as its unislamic and she has plenty of other clothes that she can wear. Her mother again said that thats what her dad wants and thats what she will wear. This argument led to my in laws coming to my house and talking to my parents about this. My dad sided with my in laws but afterwards said to my wife that u are married now and should listen to your husband. My wife on once occasion wore a transparent dress which i didnt like and asked her to remove it and wear something else. Again, her mother didnt like this and this led to another meeting with my parents where i had to go to my in laws and apologise. Few years after this incident my in laws wanted to go for hajj for the 5th time and wanted my wife and i to stay and look after her grown up kids and the house. As my wife was expectind i said no, because of her condition and that my in laws have a large house to look after. So my mother in law asked me why am not allowing my wife to stay, i informed her of the reasons why and she started shouting and said that i have messed up her daughters life. I was furious when she said this and wanted to say that you can have your daughter back, but i didnt and left there house. All these probs led to me and my wife never agreeing on anything or discussing our future. I wanted to move out of the family home after marriage, but my mother in law use to advise her daughter that after marriage you look after your husbands parents. So for 8 years we stayed at my parents house until our second child was born and now live in rented accomodation. My wife and i never went anywhere or did anything together as most times her mother would call and off she would go. Then in the beginning of this year we had a row where i said one talaaq to her and this was hard on all of us as i am married to my cousin.
We or should i say that i patched things up on the basis of giving it another try as we have two girls. But unfortunately, due to the nature of our past, the love and spark went out of our marriage a long time ago. Neither of us will admit this and we have become like strangers to one another and want your advice on what we should do. Strangely enough, i spent a month away from the mrs when i gave her one talaaq and in that time we got on very well.
So please could you advise us on whats the best course of action and this marriage is not going nowhere and whose probs were sowed a long time ago.
May Allah reward you in the hereafter
Jazakallah for writing to the institute. Allow me to be honest with you. It would appear that you have failed to be proactive in your marriage and you are now faced with severe dilemmas. Every marital relationship is bound to have ups and downs. No two persons who come together from different homes and backgrounds are going to find common threads in their bond early in the marriage. However, it was important for you to take charge as Allah Ta’ala has appointed you as head of the home. Fair enough, you have to consult and discuss matters with your wife regarding your joint affairs. However, to allow a mother in law to run your marriage from the start was a big mistake.
I do not say this in judgment of you. I merely wish to point out to you that we have had these sort of problems coming up often from men who write in about their in laws’ interference in the marriage. Many a mother/parent destroy their daughter’s life by being the most visible third partners in their daughter’s marriage. This is totally unacceptable and destroys whatever chance she has of making a home.
You basically now have to make up your mind about which way you wish to go with this union. You have to speak to your wife about the state of your relationship and make your feelings, hopes, fears and plans known to her.
You could suggest to her that you realize where you both have failed and that you should go for marital counselling. Firstly to upgrade your marriage and to provide a stable future for your children. Although you say your relationship is at a standstill, there is hope that you can renew it. It needs effort on both sides. You mention that you both got on well when you were separated. Insha’allah there is still a ‘spark’ in the marriage which you both need to ignite if you give it a try. All the problems you mention are not insurmountable. They appear petty and given the correct approach, you can overcome them. Both of you obviously have to accept responsibility for your union and stop expecting mum and dad to run the show. You are your children’s role models and they need correct examples from both of you.
Please do think about learning about your wife’s and your rights, duties and responsibilities in a marriage. Allah Ta’ala has placed responsibilities on both of you and since you have children, there is no point in absconding from these by hiding behind mum and father in law’s interference. Reconcile your differences and accept what you cant change about each other. May Allah Ta’ala guide both of you and grant your in laws the ability to love their daughter in a manner which does not destroy her future. Ameen.
And Allah Ta’ala knows best.
CHECKED & APPROVED: Mufti Ebrahim Desai