I have been married for 2.5 years and have recently just had a child. I have had a really bad habit of masturbating from a very young age. Recently I have not been able to control my desires. I cannot take it when my wife says no to me if I ask for intimacy. When my wife is not at home, I ring Chat lines and can never control my desires. Just recently I went to the massage parlour and a shameful act occurred “aka the happy ending” as I felt I had to go out my marriage to fulfil my desires.
This is the first time in my life, I have done something physically behind my wife’s back. I feel very ashamed of myself. When I look back at what happened at the massage parlour, my body feels violated, how could my desires full take over logic.
I have repented to Allah. I have cried and cried but cannot get the thought out of my mind that I let another woman touch me. I do not know how to get over this mentally.
How do I know Allah has forgive me ?
How do I look at my wife with love when I have done this behind her back?
How do I overcome this problem mentally as I feel very scared of what I am capable of doing?
In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.
As-salāmu ‘alaykum wa-rahmatullāhi wa-barakātuh.
Respected Brother in Islam,
The feeling of guilt you experience is a sign of your Imaan. A person without Imaan commits major crimes and do not feel anything about them. Furthermore, you made Tawbah and cried for the sin you committed. Your sincerity will not go unnoticed in the court of Allah. Allah is Gaffar [Most Forgiving] Allah is Rahman [Most Merciful] when a person commits a sin and sincerely repents to Allah and makes a firm resolve to never repeat the sin, Allah will forgive him. Allah says:
قُلْ يَا عِبَادِيَ الَّذِينَ أَسْرَفُوا عَلَى أَنْفُسِهِمْ لَا تَقْنَطُوا مِنْ رَحْمَةِ اللَّهِ إِنَّ اللَّهَ يَغْفِرُ الذُّنُوبَ جَمِيعًا إِنَّهُ هُوَ الْغَفُورُ الرَّحِيمُ} [الزمر: 53]
O My servants who have wronged their souls! (by committing kufr or other sins). Never lose hope of Allah’s mercy (so do not abstain from seeking forgiveness thinking that you will not be forgiven), Verily, Allah forgives all sins. Undoubtedly, he is the Most Forgiving the Most Merciful.
You enquire “how do I know whether Allah forgave me or not?
If you really feel so ashamed and you resolve never to repeat that sin, that is a sign of the acceptance of the forgiveness. The negative thoughts and frightening feeling of the evil sin you committed serves as a barrier to commit such a sin in future.
Furthermore, you should ponder,
What if the angel of death came to me whilst I was at the parlour?
What if my life was taken away while I was being massaged in a haram way?
How would I face my Allah?
What could happen to me in the grave?
How could I not resist my desires when my wife is sacrificing to look after our child? Take out time and make Murakabah [ponder] on the following verse and you will be able to remain loyal to your wife and love her.
أَلَمْ يَعْلَم بِأَنَّ اللَّهَ يَرَىٰ [Surah Al-Alaq:14]
Does he not know that Allah sees?
To attain the closeness of Allah and love for his Rasulullah Sallallahu Alayhi Wasallam you may listen to the discourses of our beloved teacher Hadhrat Mufti Ebrahim Desai Saheb on Qaseedah Burdah.
May Allah grant you peace and happiness in your married life. Ameen
And Allah Ta’āla Knows Best
Anas Sharieff Qasmi.
Student Darul Iftaa
Checked and Approved by,
Mufti Ebrahim Desai.