Please could you kindly answer this question of mine. I am considering marrying a second wife. However, she has been divorced previously and has 2 children (both under 10) from the previous marriage. I have read that the Prophet (saw) married Umm Salmah (ra) who had a child. She did not give up the child and the Prophet (saw) treated the child well. What do you advise for us both in this situation? Does she need a wali to agree to the marriage? Does she need to give up guardianship of her children? What if there is nobody else who is either willing or able to take care of the children apart from the mother? Am I allowed to spend on her children as I would for my own children? Please reply in detail as I have not been able to find much information on these topics. JazakAllah khairan.
Please do forgive me for the long delay in responding to your mail to the institute.
Your mail raised some interesting points and questions on marrying a divorcee with children.
It is most commendable that you have decided to grant this lady the courtesy and consideration of sharing your home with her and her children.You will most certainly earn great rewards and high stages, insha’allah, for making this responsible and righteous move. By giving her children your love and support, you will be guiding them along the path of Islam and correct behaviour. May Almighty Allah reward you abundantly in this world and the hereafter, ameen.
There are widows and divorcees all over the world who struggle alone to bring up their children in an environment which is filled with much strife, fitna and disorder. Young children and teenagers are being bombarded with the presence of drugs, pornography, prostitution, social disorder and much more. It has become difficult to fully protect the children from these influences as many of these enter our homes in the most covert way in the form of newspapers, movies and books. Even billboards on the highways and schools have become a challenge to parents in terms of what they can tolerate and allow their children to be exposed to.
The absence of an effective father or father figure has a detrimental effect on both boys and girls. Research has shown that the father’s effective presence is most important to both boys and girls in their developmental years as he is the one who is most influential in ‘bringing’ the outside world into the home. He has a very special role to play in terms of setting the standards of what is allowed and not allowed. Be it behaviour, values, attitudes, morals etc. Yes, as Muslims we accept that the mother is the first ‘school’ for her children but without the father’s input, guidance and disciplinary controls, the ‘cement’ is missing and sometimes the family structure crumbles. Allow me to suggest that you keep the family together.
You also ask if the lady needs to have a ‘wali’ to represent her. Even though this is her second marriage and as such she does not need anybody’s permission to marry, she should consider having one. Allah Ta’ala only knows the outcome of every marital match but it is only sensible to have someone who will be available to her if and when she needs advice or someone to intercede on her behalf in the event of a dispute or any difficulty.
May Allah Ta’ala guide you, ameen.
and Allah Ta’ala Knows Best
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CHECKED & APPROVED: Mufti Ebrahim Desai