Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
Question
I met a guy accidentally online through a dawah page. After a few conversations related to religion, my character appealed to him, and he told me he was interested and wanted to ask for my hand in marriage. If we get to know each other before involving the parents, can we involve a third party, for example, his sister, to ensure we don’t cross the line?
And also, he seems to have good akhlaq and excellent religious knowledge, but we live on opposite sides of this planet, so would you advise me to give this guy a chance at all?
Answer
Thank you for your question. May Allah reward you for your sincerity and for wanting to keep everything halal between you and him. However, I think it’s too risky to consider him for marriage.
Gender Interaction
Gender interaction limits in Islam dictate that you should not be conversing with him online, as attraction naturally arises between the genders. Since you are both religious, marriage is the first solution you see after having some relatable conversation. This makes sense in a simple world, but the world is no longer straightforward, and the online world is dangerous.
Please see gender interaction limits here:
A Reader On Gender Interaction
Families
Marriage is the joining of two families instead of just two people. I recommend that you do not get to know him privately but that you involve your families first, as your parents have a right to know. The best way is to tell them what is happening, and they can help you ensure that this person is suitable. Also, if you tell your parents first, you won’t risk getting attached to this person, and then find that your parents might not approve anyway.
Generally speaking, it is not wise to consider marriage with someone online. You should tell him that you can’t consider marriage unless you meet him in person, with his family. This is much safer, and much more conducive to not having any surprises. Seeing how he reacts will probably tell you a lot more about it since marriage is much more than sharing some ideals.
Istikhara
You should pray istikhara before and after you have arranged to meet him, and seek Allah’s guidance throughout. Have your father talk to his father, and see if it is worth giving him a fair chance. If he really lives that far away, and you know next to nothing about him, I’m not sure if it’s even worth it. You and your family have to make this decision. Please don’t do it alone.
However, I can tell you this: The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace), said, “When someone whose religion and character you are pleased with proposes to (someone under the care) of one of you, then marry to him. If you do not do so, then there will be turmoil (fitnah) in the land and abundant discord (fasad).” [Tirmidhi]
Please see these links as well:
Chatting on a Muslim matrimonial website
How Should I Approach Getting Married?
May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, Tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Master’s in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.