My Prospective Spouse Avoids Me on Skype. What Should I Do?

Answered by Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil

Question: My family has arranged a marriage for me with a good muslim living abroad. His parents met me and like me very much. I haven’t met this man, but I spoke to him on the phone. I decided that I want to marry him. On the day we were meant to speak on Skype, he cancelled. I know that he is introverted, but I am now so upset and confused. What should I do?

Answer: Assalamualaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

I pray this finds you well. May Allah ease your confusion and grant you clarity.

Education

Although it is praiseworthy for you to want to please your family by agreeing to this arranged marriage, please ensure that you have done your due diligence before you say yes. A practising Muslim man is a good start, but not necessarily enough.

When registration re-opens, I urge you to complete Islamic Marriage: Guidance for Successful Marriage and Married Life. You must learn about the spirit and the law behind marriage before getting married.

Repentance

May Allah reward you for having the courage to end your sinful relationship. I pray that Allah accepts your repentance, transforms your bad deeds into good deeds, and rewards you with the blessing of a loving and righteous husband. Please guard yourself from falling into the same situation by surrounding yourself with good company and connecting your heart to acts which are beloved to Allah.

Istikhara

Dear sister, please perform the Prayer of Guidance up til seven times on whether or not to marry this man. You do not need to look for a dream, but you do need to observe how events unfold in your life. If he calls you back, arranges to meet you in person, and so on, then this is a sign to continue marriage discussions. If he continues to remain silent or make excuses about his personal affairs, then please let him go and move on with your life. You are already making yourself unwell from worry. A man who is keen to marry you won’t make excuses. He will sort himself out, and ask for your hand in marriage.

Surrender

As difficult as this is for you to hear, please let go of your worries, and give your affairs to Allah. There is no outrunning destiny. If this man is meant for you, then you will marry him. If he is not, then you won’t. Don’t exhaust yourself with anxiety and fear. Allah is looking after you, right now, in this very moment. He sustained you in your mother’s womb, and He sustains you now, from heartbeat to heartbeat.

Please take your time when it comes to deciding who to marry. Do your research, consult wise members of your family, and pray istikhara. You are still young, mashaAllah, and have your whole life ahead of you. Who you marry will have a tremendous impact on the trajectory of your dunya and your akhirah. Please choose wisely.

Please see:

A Reader on Patience and Reliance on Allah
Some Prophetic Supplications for Difficulty and Distress
When Love is Not Enough: Reassessing Marriage in the Muslim Community – Mental Health 4 Muslims Blog

Wassalam,
Raidah

Checked & Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani