Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
Question
My father essentially disowned me when I married a Pakistani girl, and now has been telling people around me, my relatives, my friends, and my immediate family to stay away from me. He accused me of something which is 100% false, Allah is my witness. I haven’t been able to have a relationship with my mom for seven months now. I keep hearing that my father is spreading lies about me. He is well respected in the community and is seemingly ‘religious’ so people won’t question him. When I confront him about it, he ignores me. What should I do?
Answer
Thank you for your question. I am sorry that you are having troubles with your father, but I urge you to ignore namima and focus on your relationship with Allah and your obligations.
Namima (tale-bearing)
My first advice to you is not to listen to anything that others tell you. Imam Nawawi explains the enormity of it here:
“Anyone approached with a story, who is told, ‘So-and-so says such and such about you,’ must do six things:
(1) disbelieve it, for talebearers are corrupt, and their information unacceptable;
(2) tell the talebearer to stop, admonish him about it, and condemn the shamefulness of what he has done;
(3) hate him for the sake of Allah Most High, for he is detestable in Allah’s sight, and hating for the sake of Allah Most High is obligatory;
(4) not think badly of the person whom the words are supposedly from, for Allah Most High says, ‘Shun much of surmise’ (Quran, 49:12);
(5) not let what has been said prompt him to spy or investigate whether it is true, for Allah Most High says,
‘Do not spy’ (Quran, 49:12);
(6) and not to do himself what he has forbidden the talebearer to do, by relating it to others.”
[al-Adhkar, 471-72]
If anyone tells you that your father is slandering you, don’t listen to it, don’t believe it, and don’t inquire about it. Rumors can get out of hand easily and the most well-intentioned person can cause problems like this. Ignoring the rumors should cut out half of your problems.
Being Slandered
Truth always manifests itself over falsehood and you should ask Allah to defend you. Although it can be upsetting that family relatives might be cutting you off, show them nothing but good character, give charity and ask Allah to give you patience. Keep this hadith in mind and see the links below:
The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace), said, “The believer who mixes with people and bears their annoyance with patience will have a greater reward than the believer who does not mix with people and does not put up with their annoyance.” [Ibn Majah]
Slander, Backbiting and Talebearing
Being Slandered for a Crime One Is Innocent Of
Your Mother
The most important step that you must make is mending your relationship with your mother. Ignore everyone else. Call her, talk to her, do what she wants, bring her a gift, and tell her that you love her no matter what. Ask her to put Allah first and remind her that Allah hates that kinship ties be cut off. Make dua (supplication) for both of your parents and pray that Allah loves them and that they love Him, and that He puts the love of the right in their hearts, and hate for the wrong.
Turn to Allah
As with all problems, turn to Allah first, and ask Him to help you deal with your family in the best way possible. Pray the five prayers on time, read some Quran every day, and supplicate to Allah before dawn with the Prayer of Need that things improve. Seeking religious knowledge will give you some peace and will benefit you, as well. Be the best husband that you can be, cope with your frustration in a healthy manner, and serve others around you. Remember how important the role of charity is:
The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace), said, “Give charity without delay, for it stands in the way of calamity.” [Albani]
May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani