Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
I recently went to a massage parlor for the first time, and the lady gave me a hand job, no intercourse, at the end. I felt really guilty and filthy afterward, so I am fasting a kaffarah for 3 days. I have started praying and asking Allah for forgiveness but I am still ashamed as if a part of my soul has been tarnished. What else should I do? Should I tell my wife or should I ask for forgiveness and work on being a better husband?
Thank you for your question.
Your remorse and repentance are clear and I pray that you grow from this and not fall into this trap again.
You should continue to repent in this way and with your fasting, you are following this prophetic injunction: “Have taqwa (fear) of Allah wherever you may be, and follow up a bad deed with a good deed which will wipe it out, and behave well towards the people.“ [Tirmidhi]
Don’t think too much about tarnishing your soul, but from now on, worry about polishing your heart and staying away from the haram. The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace), has told us the status of a sinner: “Every son of Adam commits sin, and the best of those who commit sin are those who repent.” [Ibn Majah] Inspire yourself to practice your religion by taking courses on marriage, the seerah, absolute essentials of your religion, and spirituality here at Seekers.
As for preventing this from occurring again, take these steps:
-Never get a massage from the opposite gender again, instead, have foreplay with your wife and massage each other
-If you ever feel lust toward another woman, leave that woman’s presence, and go directly to your wife to fulfill your need, according to the Prophet’s advice, (Allah bless him and give him peace).
-Bond with your wife, help her out, communicate with her, worship with her and be open with her about your feelings
-Eliminate evil influences from your life, whether it be useless friends or social media
Informing your wife
It is sinful and prohibited for you to inform your wife of what you have done. She will be devastated and your marriage will suffer:
Abu Hurayra (may Allah be pleased with him) reports that the Messenger of Allah (may Allah’s blessings and peace be upon him) said, ”All my community will be excused except those who are blatant. And it is from blatancy for one to perform an act at night while his Lord covered it, and then to wake up and tell someone that they did such-and-such yesterday, while Allah had concealed it for him. He slept under the cover of Allah, and he rent Allah’s covering from himself in the morning.” [Bukhari and Muslim]
See these links about exposing sins:
Please do your best to fulfill your duties as a husband, to lower your gaze, to pray on time, to repent regularly, gain knowledge, and to take preventive measures from this happening again. Remember Allah’s promise to us in His book, and don’t despair:
“Say, ˹O Prophet, that Allah says,˺ “O My servants who have exceeded the limits against their souls! Do not lose hope in Allah’s mercy, for Allah certainly forgives all sins. He is indeed the All-Forgiving, Most Merciful.“ [39:53]
May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, Tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Master’s in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.