Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
Question:
My husband does not show me love, closeness, or respect. He pays the bills, but I feel very lonely. I’ve begged him to come near me, but he says no. We have two small children, but for the last two years, since he married another woman secretly over the Internet, he has stopped loving me and sleeping with me. I’m not sure what to do anymore; he’s very stubborn.
Answer:
Assalamu alaykum,
Thank you for your question. I am sorry that your husband did this to you and that you are broken-hearted over the state of your marriage. Although it seems like there is no hope, there is, and you can begin to heal your marriage.
Turn to Allah
I would say that because you need real help with this marriage, you should start off with turning to Allah with your complete being. Fulfill your obligations as best as you can to your Lord, make a sincere tawba for the mistakes of your past, and turn over a new leaf with commitment, knowledge, and taqwa, patience, and forgetting all of your old habits and ideas. Pray the Prayer of Need and ask Allah before dawn to help you heal this marriage and make it better than it was before.
Resources
You should communicate your pain to your husband differently than you have in the past. Try using this method to soften your start-up:
https://www.gottman.com/blog/softening-startup/
Also, learn how to communicate with one of the five love languages; this will help you not only understand him better but yourself as well:
https://www.5lovelanguages.com/store
https://www.amazon.com/Seven-Principles-Making-Marriage-Work/dp/0609805797
Also, it’s never too late to learn your obligations and rights in a Muslim marriage, and this will help put the reality of your marriage in perspective. Please take these courses:
https://academy.seekersguidance.org/enrol/index.php?id=154
https://academy.seekersguidance.org/enrol/index.php?id=195
I apologize if it seems like I am giving you books to read and courses to take; you have to put much effort into this if you want to save your marriage by the grace of Allah. Nothing comes easy in life. Your marriage didn’t become unhappy overnight, and it won’t be fixed overnight either.
A second wife
Being a co-wife is not easy, but you can manage it by Allah’s generosity. It seems to me that you are not interested in divorce; I commend you for that, ma sha Allah, because divorce is not always the best solution, especially when children are involved. Read these answers for ideas on how to cope with a second marriage and how to prioritize what is important to you.
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/i-no-longer-love-my-husband-after-he-married-a-second-wife/
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/i-am-jealous-of-my-husbands-first-wife-what-do-i-do/
Intimacy
Intimacy problems are common in marriage, even without the presence of another wife, but they can be overcome. Your husband is committing a crime by withholding himself from you, but an overall improvement in the marriage and specific attention given to the bedroom can help, by Allah’s will. See these answers for more information:
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/wifes-right-to-intimacy/
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/what-advice-can-you-give-for-a-woman-whose-husband-does-not-want-to-be-intimate-with-her/
https://seekersguidance.org/articles/health-wellbeing/25-years-worth-of-marriage-advice/
https://seekersguidance.org/articles/good-character/etiquette-marriage-comprehensive-seekersguidance-reader/
May Allah give you the best of this world and the next and bring your marriage to great new heights and happiness.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.