Question:
I have very beautiful sisters-in-law, and whenever we are in a family gathering, all the attention goes to them. They are very glamorous and stylish. My confidence level goes down every time. Before they were in our family, I used to feel confident, but now all the attention goes to them. I’m an average-looking person, and that’s ok, but they are so beautiful, which is why I can’t fit with them. What should I do to gain confidence? Should I just skip the gatherings or attend them?
Answer:
Assalamu alaykum,
Thank you for your question. Never look for happiness or satisfaction with the temporal (i.e., people). Only look to Allah, who is permanent, for your joy because He is the only one that can give your soul what it needs and wants.
Looks
The purpose of your existence is not to acquire the express admiration of others for your beauty but rather to thank Allah and use your blessings in the way they were meant to be used. People’s respect will never last, nor will anyone’s beauty. The only thing you can take to your grave with you is your good deeds and the state of your heart. You are complaining about something that is not even worth a drop in the ocean in Allah’s eyes. Is it worth it to obsess over your looks when you look perfectly fine?
Consider the value of actions over appearance from this Prophetic hadith, “Allah does not look at your forms or your wealth, rather He looks at your deeds and your hearts.” [Ibn Maja] Does this incite you to run to the mirror and obsess over your features, or does it provoke you to run and fulfill a religious duty or help another in need?
You are beautiful
Seeing yourself as ugly only stems from the media and the onslaught of images of dolled-up pre-teens who fit a size zero. The media is poisonous, damaging, unrealistic, dishonest, and senseless. Don’t trust it for a minute, let alone try to mimic it. As a young woman, you are beautiful, and you are exactly as Allah wanted you to be as He is the best of Creators. Don’t compare yourself to anyone, instead only compare yourself to those who are more god-fearing and pious than you. That is something worth competing in!
Instead of staring in the mirror, educate yourself, change the way you carry yourself, love yourself, and ask how you can help and serve this Muslim ummah. Focus on your inner traits and contribute to changing the world. The most powerful women that I have met in my life are educated, knowledgeable, kind, generous, and humble. Their effects on others are far-reaching, and they barely look in the mirror. Their dignity is not based on their looks.
Don’t skip a gathering because of your sister-in-law’s bling or outfit, but rather, count the faults in your character instead of the faults on your face, and work on those. I guarantee you that your husband will find you attractive, especially if you are cheerful, modest, polite, fun, pious, and loving. Use your time now to prepare for marriage and refine your character and skills before moving onto the new phase of your life. I pray that Allah gives you success and happiness and utter devotion to Him above all else. Please see the links below:
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/changing-ones-appearance/May Allah give you the best of this world and the next, and may He be pleased with you and you with Him.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.