Question:
My husband spends weeks and months not talking to me, insulting me, leaving the room when I enter and locking himself in his room. He says it is my fault, that I do not speak with him and that I treat him horribly. I have tried for seven years to change and to please him but to no avail. When he decides to forgive me, he is his charming self again for a while. Then I displease him again, and the circle starts over. He threatens divorce all the time but never does it. Is there a way out?
Answer:
Assalamu alaykum,
Thank you for your question. Dear sister, it seems to me that you are living in a cycle of emotional abuse, while your husband is not behaving like a man. Locking oneself in a room and giving you the silent treatment is a swinging pendulum from acting like a child with a tantrum to acting like a criminal.
Repair First
You say that you have tried to change for his pleasure, but it seems to me that he has a mental illness. It sounds like narcissism or something worse. Either way, because your husband never learned to grow up, it will be very difficult for him to change, and he needs to change, too, not just you.
You should take all the steps toward rectifying a marriage, first:
– Please read these books, and take a free course on marriage right here at Seekers. Try all the tips, and give it time. Also, consider a marriage counselor that can help you both communicate and hear each other.
https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X
https://www.amazon.com/Seven-Principles-Making-Marriage-Work/dp/0609805797
https://www.amazon.com/Fascinating-Womanhood-Bestseller-Strengthen-Marriage/dp/055329220X
https://seekersguidance.org/courses/marriage-in-islam-practical-guidance-for-successful-marriage/
Ask Allah
Turn to Allah to guide you and help you through every step with the Istikhara prayer and the Prayer of Need. Be the best Muslim that you can be, and do not miss any prayers. Read Qur’an every day with the meaning, and sincerely ask Allah to help you accomplish your obligations and to be the kind of wife that your Lord wants you to be. Ask Allah to send you help for your husband or something that will wake him up.
Last Resort
Do you have children? If you do not, or even if you do and have exhausted all the steps above, I recommend that you consider your final option, going separate ways. It may or may not be a good idea, but you must pray your own istikhara and communicate to him what you are feeling. Perhaps just a conversation about it will give him a reality check, and he will start treating you better. Do not hesitate to discuss the problem with family, close friends, or an imam that can advise you.
Remember, as Allah tells us in Holy Book, “So, surely with hardship comes ease. Surely with hardship comes ease.” [Qur’an, 94:5,6] May Allah give you the best of this world and the next and facilitate all your matters for you.
Given the considerations in such cases, we urge you to please consult reliable local scholars or counselors about the specifics of the situation. Jazakum Allah khayr. May Allah facilitate all ease and good for you.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterwards, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.