Question: I do not like my wife going out of the house frequently without legitimate need and for excessive social gatherings. However, after having counseled her regarding this, I have accepted this in the greater interest of the marriage and hope that with time she will realize that it leads to ghafla (heedlessness) and possible harm. Recently this has extended to meeting her friends in late evenings. I told her this was not acceptable, but she refused and went anyway. I am extremely upset.
Answer:
Assalamu alaykum,
Thank you for your question. I am sorry that your wife has decided to take on this approach. I truly feel that you are right and I pray that you can find a compromise with her that makes you both happy.
Marriage Course
There is no question that you both should take a course on marriage in Islam right here at Seekers in order to learn your rights and responsibilities in marriage. If one is armed with this knowledge, one does not seek to transgress these bounds and earn the displeasure of one’s husband, let alone Allah’s displeasure. See this link:
https://seekersguidance.org/courses/marriage-in-islam-practical-guidance-for-successful-marriage/
Balance
A man and wife should seek to balance out the household affairs. One should take care of earning finances while the other manages the children and household, upholding a religious atmosphere. A couple may help each other in the other’s sphere and both should work as a team, helping each other and respecting each other. It is the only way to live peacefully and think beyond ourselves. I recommend that you sit your wife down and gently explain this to her. Tell her that you are ready to compromise and let her socialize some, as long as she adheres to the main rules of the home, such as not going out at night, leaving a meal ready, or stays within curfew.
Bond, Compromise, and Respect
The best way to get your wife to agree with you is to show love, respect, and interest. Is she bored with you at home? Is there something new that you can do together? The best option would be to socialize together. Can you go out in the evening with her and meet a couple? Can you sit at a different table with your friend and she with hers? This way, she can still have fun, but you are together. Can you agree that she goes out once a week with her friend and she joins you for dhikr (remembrance of Allah) or a dars (lesson) once a week? This way you both are getting what you want. The most important thing is to not get angry. This usually leaves both parties resentful and blocks communication.
Turn To Allah
The best first step for anyone when they are hit by a test is to turn to Him, Most High, wholeheartedly, and worship Him to the best of their ability. Learn the basics of your religion as best as you can (right here with free Seekers courses), read some Qur’an with the meaning every day, even if only a few lines and surround yourself with positive religious friends and couples. My teacher once told me that there is no problem that giving charity does not take away. Try this and sincerely pray for Allah to guide both of you to what is best for you in this world and the next. See these links as well:
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/can-demand-wife-dresses-modestly-work-less-outside-home-stop-meeting-irreligious-friends-change-baby-daughters-diapers/
https://seekersguidance.org/articles/prophetic-guidance/your-purpose-when-marriage-is-rocky/
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.