Answered by Ustadha Rukayat Yakub
Question: I am unable to escape my desires. Every time I have finished satisfying myself I want to kill myself. What is the point of living if not in obedience? There is no human I hate more than myself. I know of no pain in this world worse than this: knowing right from wrong and being unable to stop oneself from wrong. It doesn’t even satisfy. The desire itself is just a lie. It’s just replaced by an emptiness, a sickness spreading from an empty, black, encrusted qalb to the rest of the body.
Should I wish for death? Would I be one of those who just beg to get sent back to work righteousness? And yet here I am and I can’t? Am I destined for the fire then either way? Do I have more than an earthful of sins? Yet even if I were forgiven, could I be happy knowing about the ranks of the foremost and knowing that I’m not amongst them?
Do you have any guidance to offer this seeker?
Dear Questioner Assalaamu alaikum wa rahmatullah,
Having a good opinion of our Lord and turning to Him in repentance
Never give up on the mercy of Allah, iblis actually means to despair, and despair is in his bag of tricks, He tries different things on different people seeking to convince people that they are not worthy of forgiveness or of leading a righteous life. When these thoughts come to your head seek refuge in Allah, glorified is He.
Allah, glorified is He, tells us: “Tell them (O Muhammad ): ‘O My slaves who have wronged their souls, do not despair of Allah’s mercy, for Allah will forgive all the sins. He is indeed very Forgiving, very Compassionate, Turn to Him then, and obey Him (in all your affairs).’” (Al-Zumar:53,54).
Dear seeker, please do not waste any more time dwelling on your current state or the state you believe you have, rush to Allah ta’ala in repentance immediately, with no doubt in His mercy. Commit to repenting from the acts you need to seek repentance of and be steadfast in your turning to the Lord of the Worlds.
Wishing for Death
Narrated Abu Hurairah: Allah’s Messenger, Allah bless him and grant him peace said, “None of you should wish for death. If he is a righteous man, perhaps he may add to (his) good works, and if he is a sinner, possibly he may be repentant (in case he is given a longer life).” (Al-Bukhari)
Allah ta’ala has blessed you with life, so seek repentance and get busy. Do you know your mission in life? Your particular mission, I am not talking about our collective mission on earth, but what way you are can serve the creation with the unique gifts the Creator granted you. If you do not know the you need to identify your mission and live it, Are you serving your local community? If you aren’t, this needs to change. Do you have regular devotional practices you do to nourish your heart? If you haven’t you must start, Do you have good company that remind you of Allah ta’ala and His messenger,Allah bless him and grant him peace? If you do not you need to seek them out, by first of all being the kind of company you would want for yourself, this attracts like-minded people who can be your companions in the journey of life, in sha Allah.
Learning about the heart and the ego (nafs)
In order to equip yourself, you need to understand the heart and the lower-self. So i would recommend you take a class that teaches you the true nature of these. Marvels of the Heart and Purification of the Heart & Praiseworthy Character are two excellent options. An excellent resource for repentance in addition to these classes is A Poor Man’s Book of Assistance, which is a CD set by Shaykh Hamza Yusuf, which goes over a book on Repentance by the Moroccan Scholar Sidi Ahmad Zarruq, who was a man who really understood the way the ego works, and his writings are so relevant even though he lived in a different era from us.
Be steadfast, have a good opinion of your Lord, equip yourself, work towards your goal and never ever give up on yourself.
May Allah ta’ala strengthen you and fill your heart with light and love of Him.
Checked & Approved by Faraz Rabbani