Q: I made istikara a few times this week regarding marriage to a man. I asked for guidance from Allah whether he was my naseeb husband. No proposals/discussions have been made with families or anything, though. Last night I dreamt me and the man were walking down a mountain that was blanketed in clean, white snow. It was snowing profusely in the dream. I was watching us walk down from another person’s perspective, if that makes sense. However, I was supporting him 100% down the mountain it’s as though he couldn’t walk himself, however the atmosphere was fun and we were very happy and laughing. And I didn’t feel burdened by his weight, or cold at all from the ice or snow and enjoyed the walk down. I was happy and elated walking down the mountain. I’ve read that white in an istikhara dream mean yes, however, I’ve read elsewhere in an islamic dream dictionary online that descending a mountain means losing rank or respect in the community.
My family is non-muslim unfortunately, but the man’s parent’s are Hajees. I am a revert of 2 years.
- Is this a positive answer to my istikhara? Is this man my naseeb husband?
- If yes, could this relate to him losing standing in his community because of marrying me? (i.e because my family is unsuitable)
- What is your recommendation based on this dream? Is this marriage a bad idea?
- Is this *just* a dream?
- Should I make Istikhara again?
A: If the person you intend marrying is pious and committed to Deen, then you may marry him. However, we advise you not to rely entirely on the dream, instead before entering into nikaah you should ask few reliable, old women who are pious to find out about the family of the person as well as his behaviour, conduct and mannerisms. Overall the dream seems positive. Carrying him in the dream means that Allah Ta’ala will use you to assist him and motivate him towards the right path.
And Allah Ta’ala (الله تعالى) knows best.
Answered by:
Mufti Zakaria Makada
Checked & Approved:
Mufti Ebrahim Salejee (Isipingo Beach)
Q: I reverted to Islam 2 years ago, my family are kaffir. I am a young unmarried woman, although I do have a male friend who I have gotten to know very well over the last few years. He introduced me to Islam and was an amazing help with all of my questions and he taught me how to pray. I feel that he has to be my naseeb husband, and we have spoken of this matter, and he said he would have already married me by now if it wasn’t for my unacceptable family. He said he does not want any future children we have to be influenced by them (they sometimes drink, aren’t bothered by gambling and dressing immodestly). But most of all, they are somewhat “anti” Islam (they are Turkish and “secular” so anything related to religion is extreme and fanatical to them). I pray for patience in dealing with them, as well as for them to find Islam, but they seem so far gone.
I have told my male friend that aside from maintaining contact with my mother and sister, I have no interest in preserving ties with the rest of my extended family. This is because they disapprove of my religion and look down on me because of it. If they find out that I pray salah and when I start wearing hijab, they will surely gossip and our relations will be hostile. I don’t wear hijab yet as it will cause chaos in my home with my parents, I intend to start as soon as I am engaged to be married as I will belong to my future husband.
My male friend said that it wouldn’t be enough as eventually the children will be exposed to the wider family. I reminded him that our deen allows men to marry non-Muslim women, so what is so wrong with marrying a Muslim woman with a non-Muslim family? He also said his Hajj parents will be ashamed of my background. He explained all of this with absolute kindness.
- Am I wrong to want to break ties with extended family and my father for the above reasons?
- Is my male friend wrong for holding my family’s short-comings against me? What is the proper way for a man to deal with his wife’s non-Muslim family.
- Should the hypothetical children of this marriage be allowed to mix with my family?
- If this doesn’t work out, I don’t think any other decent man will accept me because my family. I can’t help which family I was born into.
What should I do? Is a naseeb marriage ever this difficult or should it be easy and smooth?
A: Being in contact with a male is impermissible in Islam. You should sincerely repent to Allah Ta’ala for this sin. If the person you intend marrying is pious and committed to his Deen and his family also do not object, you may marry him. The Qur’an commands that one be compassionate and kind towards his/her parents even if they are kaafir. However, one should not obey them in things that are against the Shari’ah. If one fears being influenced by one’s kaafir parents towards sin or disbelief, then one should maintain a distance from them.
And Allah Ta’ala (الله تعالى) knows best.
وَإِن جَاهَدَاكَ عَلَى أَن تُشْرِكَ بِي مَا لَيْسَ لَكَ بِهِ عِلْمٌ فَلَا تُطِعْهُمَا وَصَاحِبْهُمَا فِي الدُّنْيَا مَعْرُوفًا وَاتَّبِعْ سَبِيلَ مَنْ أَنَابَ إِلَيَّ ثُمَّ إِلَيَّ مَرْجِعُكُمْ فَأُنَبِّئُكُم بِمَا كُنتُمْ تَعْمَلُونَ ﴿لقمان: ١٥﴾
Answered by:
Mufti Zakaria Makada
Checked & Approved:
Mufti Ebrahim Salejee (Isipingo Beach)
Q: I am confused about relationships with my non-Muslim family. They *think* they are Muslim, but they are Turkish, so at the same time they are very anti-Islam and anything “too” religious.
For example, the women do not observe hijab (and would be horrified if I did), the family are disgusted by salah, fasting during Ramadan, the building of mosques in Turkey etc. They see these things as a mark of extremism. My Uncle has recently detected my increasing interest and knowledge in Islam and now refuses to even look at me out of sheer disgust. If he does speak to me, it is with utmost contempt and sarcasm related to religion. For example, sometimes he will randomly sarcastically repeat “ohhh God bless you. God bless you!! Peace be upon you!!” in silly voice. However I know he is being sarcastic from his tone and that he is laughing at me and my beliefs. He also constantly comments on my modest attire in a disapproving way. I know this might sound petty, but when he announces these things in front of my whole family and people laugh it’s not a nice feeling. He is also a gambler who excessively drinks and has no morals in financial dealings with his siblings.
Other people in my family (aunts and cousins) have taken issue with my not drinking alcohol anymore. I never came out and announced that I never intended to drink it again, but they have noticed my not consuming it at family events. So now, it’s almost become a little game for one cousin and aunty in particular to shove a drink towards me at family events, urging me to have “just a bit”. I politely decline every time and they demand a reason why. I tell them either I am driving that night, or I don’t feel good when I drink, or it doesn’t agree with me etc etc. So I’m not preaching Islam to the point of attracting negative attention, yet they still openly criticize the changes I have made.
I intend to fast this Ramadan as it will be my first proper one as a Muslim and I was so worried about what my family would say, but thank God most of them are away overseas on holiday so I won’t have to explain myself.
These people are so anti-Islam, I do not fit in with them, not to mention they criticize my beliefs and practices at every opportunity. They openly laugh and joke about Islam, they are drinkers and gamblers. The women are immodest in dress and behavior, my male cousin even has his girlfriend spending nights under the same roof as him and his parents and nobody seems to think this is strange. I feel that if I don’t conceal my strong beliefs and opinions they will use it as an opportunity to gang up on me, tease and gossip about me. They also state inaccurate comments about Islam. For example, my Uncle’s wife told me that Alevis and Sunnis are the same except that Sunnis wear hijab, pray in arabic and fast Ramadan, whereas Alevis pray in Turkish, don’t wear hijab and fast only one day of Ramadan. She said Hijab is not mentioned in the Quran at all and isn’t obligatory and praying is optional (but of course she hasn’t read the Quran).
When I finally draw the courage to wear hijab and openly prayer salah (as I now do it in secret) this mockery and gossip will surely reach unbearable levels.
I have read Islam requires treating non-Muslim family with kindness and if they are trying to get you to disobey Allah then you should distance yourself. Can you please explain this further? By treating them with kindness, how am I supposed to respond when they laugh at my beliefs, salah and knowledge about deen? I don’t want to have to conceal my true beliefs in order to get along with them. I am tired of listening to them insulting Islam and calling hijabi muslimahs “ninja’s”. And how do I respond when they make incorrect statements about Islam and the Prophet (Sallallahu Alayhi Wasallam)? They have referred to him as a pedophile on at least one occasion. How can I treat them kindly when they behave in such a way?
My dad curses the Turkish prime minister for being so Muslim and he complains of the building of mosques around his family’s town in Turkey. Can you imagine how he would react when he finds out his own daughter is a Sunni Muslim, fasts and prays?
How would I maintain distance from them when I am an unmarried 23 year old female and can’t move out due to this. And marriage isn’t really an option right now, as I will surely never find a husband who accepts my ridiculous family.
I can’t even make dawah to them as they are so far gone in their disbelief, but I do pray for them in this respect. If I avoid family events and functions, I will be viewed as rude and disrespectful.
Please advise on how I should behave?
A: Go on practising on deen and continuously make dua that Allah Ta`ala blesses you with a pious suitor.
And Allah Ta’ala (الله تعالى) knows best.
Answered by:
Mufti Zakaria Makada
Checked & Approved:
Mufti Ebrahim Salejee (Isipingo Beach)