Question:
I have been married since last 10 years and live separately from my parents. I have 2 boys, 5 years old and 7 years old. When I was expecting my second child 6 years ago, I wanted my parents to come live with us again. My wife and I had a disagreement back then and she firmly refused.
My parents used to live with my younger brother who has now moved due to work reasons. My father is retired since almost a decade now and my mom is currently working but very close to her retirement. I would love to have them with me and for my kids to be with them. Recently, I have had the discussion with my wife to have my parents move in with us, but she has her reasons to firmly refuse this proposal. She further states that she will leave me and take the kids with her. Our house is big enough and there is separate space available for my parents to live.
What is my responsibility towards my parents, wife and kids? Should I find my parents another house close to me? Am I wrong to ask for my parents to be with us?
Note: My wife’s parents are also retired and have her sisters to support them now, but I am also ready to support her parents.
Answer:
In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.
As-salāmu ʿalaykum wa-rahmatullāhi wa-barakātuh.
Your question is in regard to the rights of spouses and their parents. The Sharī`ah lays out the rights of all individuals within a society. The husband, wife, and parents all have their respective rights outlined. Along with each right, there is a responsibility upon another to fulfill it. This being said, demanding of rights and forcing the fulfillment of responsibilities is the last resort in a relationship. The way of doing good (iḥsān) is one of compromise.
Allah states, “If a woman fears ill treatment or aversion from her husband, then, there is no sin on them in entering into a compromise between them. Compromise is better. Avarice is made to be present in human souls. If you do good and fear Allah, then, Allah is All-Aware of what you do.” (Al-Nisā’ 128)
The Prophet ﷺ further informed us, “Indeed, Allah has obligated good on everything.”
The real art of relationships is to find a way to keep everyone content within the bounds of Shari`ah without having to resort to using it as a stick. Love and understanding on everyone’s part will go further than force and hardhandedness. Start by having a loving conversation with your wife and parents to determine their expectations. They, too, should be willing to compromise and assist you in fulfilling your duties as a husband and son. Then, try to accommodate everyone’s wishes to the best of your ability. If either side is forced into doing something they dislike, you will likely find that relationships degrade over time. Worst, if the Sharī`ah is imposed by force, Shayṭān may cause them to grow to dislike it.
The responsibility of the son is to ensure that his parents are taken care of. If his parents do not have the means to take care of themselves, he is obligated to spend from his own wealth for their needs. This responsibility may be shared with other siblings. However, the reward of doing good to one’s parents is one worth vying over.
Neither spouse has an obligation to share living space with or take care of their in-laws. However, the path of iḥsān is to take care of one’s spouse’s parents as one’s own parents. The reasons are many. Among them is that this is a way of honoring our elders, showing gratitude for raising one’s spouse, assisting one’s spouse in fulfilling their rights to their own parents, and being an example to your own children. Each wife has a right to her own living space.
This means that she should have a separate, private area in which she can perform her daily activities without intrusion. In our context in the West, this means a separate home like an independent house, duplex, or apartment. Out of her kindness, she may give up her right and agree to less than this.
A wife is not permitted to take her children away from their father while leaving his home without his expressed or implied permission. This is absolutely impermissible and would afford her the condition of nūshūz (Qur’anic term for disobedience).
Again, resorting to demanding one’s rights should be a last resort in a relationship. It is against the spirit of iḥsān and good relations (ḥusn al-akhlāq). Rather, the general rule should be of loving compromise. Make every effort to deal with your family in this way. May Allah increase love, mercy, and gratitude among our families.
And Allah Ta’āla Knows Best
Mufti Faisal bin Abdul Hameed al-Mahmudi (S1)
www.fatwa.ca
1. الصحيح لمسلم، كتاب الصيد والذبائح وما يؤكل من الحيوان، الحديث #1955
عَنْ رَسُولِ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم قَالَ إِنَّ اللَّهَ كَتَبَ الإِحْسَانَ عَلَى كُلِّ شَىْءٍ
2. شرح مختصر الطحاوي، كتاب الطلاق، دار البشائر الإسلامية، ج 5 ص 300-301
مسألة: [لزوم نفقة الأبوين على الولد]
قال: (ويجبر الرجل على نفقة أبويه إذا كانا محتاجين وإن لم يكونا زمنين”. وذلك لقول الله تعالى: {وصاحبهما في الدنيا معروفًا}، وليس من المعروف تركهما جائعين مع القدرة على سد جوعتهما. وأيضًا قال النبي صلى الله عليه وسلم: “أنت ومالك لأبيك”، وعمومه يقضي جواز أخذ مال الابن في حال اليسار والإعسار، إلا أن الفقهاء متفقون على أنه لا يجوز له أخذه بغير رضاه في حال اليسار، فخصصناه، وبقي حكم العموم في حال الإعسار في مقدار الحاجة.
3. الهداية في شرح بداية المبتدي، مكتبة البشرى، ج 3 ص 328
وعلى الزوج أن يسكنها في دار مفردة ليس فيها أحد من أهله إلا أن تختار ذلك ” لأن السكنى من كفايتها فتجب لها كالنفقة وقد أوجبه الله تعالى مقرونا بالنفقة وإذا أوجب حقا لها ليس له أن يشرك غيرها فيه لأنها تتضرر به فإنها لا تأمن على متاعها ويمنعها ذلك عن المعاشرة مع زوجها ومن الاستمتاع إلا أن تختار لأنها رضيت بانتقاص حقها
فتاوی محمودیہ، دار الافتاء جامیہ فاروقیہ کراچی، ج ۱۸ ص ۶۱۵۔۶۱۶
4. الفتاوى الهندية، كتاب الطلاق، دار الفكر، ج 1 ص 545
وَإِنْ نَشَزَتْ فَلَا نَفَقَةَ لَهَا حَتَّى تَعُودَ إلَى مَنْزِلِهِ وَالنَّاشِزَةُ هِيَ الْخَارِجَةُ عَنْ مَنْزِلِ زَوْجِهَا الْمَانِعَةُ نَفْسَهَا مِنْهُ بِخِلَافِ مَا لَوْ امْتَنَعَتْ عَنْ التَّمَكُّنِ فِي بَيْتِ الزَّوْجِ لِأَنَّ الِاحْتِبَاسَ قَائِمٌ