People, especially family members say many things that hurt. I’ve noticed that most Muslims try their best to follow deen but they don’t realize how important it is in our deen to not hurt each other’s feelings. How can I deal with these hurt feelings? I usually talk about them but is that like back-biting?
ANSWER
In the name of Allah, Most Compassionate, Most Merciful,
Indeed it is very true that not hurting other people’s feelings and having good manners in general is one of the most important aspects of our religion. The Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) was sent by Allah Most High to evolve moral virtues to highest perfection.
Unfortunately, many of us overlook this extremely important aspect of our religion. Many Muslims restrict Islam to modes of worship (ibadaat) and outer appearance, whilst social affairs, one’s relationship with fellow family members, friends, other Muslims and humans in general is not even considered to have anything to do with Islam.
If one was to look at the injunctions (ahkam) of Shariah, one would see that they fall under the following five categories:
1) Belief (aqidah),
2) Outward worship (ibadaat),
3) One’s financial dealings (mu’amalaat),
4) One’s social life (mu’asharat)
5) One’s manners and character (akhlaq),
The famous book in Hanafi Fiqh, al-Hidaya deals with worship (i.e. the rules pertaining to prayer, Zakat, fasting and Hajj) in only one quarter of the whole book, whilst three-quarters of the book is dedicated to aspects relating to Business dealings, marriage, divorce, inheritance and one’s dealings with others in general.
This shows that if an individual was to fully act upon the injunctions relating to Salat, Zakat, fasting, Hajj and one was not deficient in any way with regards to worshipping Allah Most High, but one was neglectful in how one treats others, then one will only be considered to have acted upon a quarter of Islam.
Having good manners and not hurting others was the hallmark of the best of creation (Allah bless him & give him peace) and his companions (Allah be pleased with them all). There are many examples of this in their lives, for which one may refer to the books on Sirah and biographies of the Sahaba.
Finally, we should reflect upon the following Hadiths:
Sayiduna Anas ibn Malik (Allah be pleased with him) narrates that “the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) was the best of people in character.” (Sahih al-Bukhari & Sahih Muslim)
Sayyiduna Abd Allah ibn Amr (Allah be pleased with him) narrates that the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) said: “Nearest to me among you are those who have the best manners.” (Sahih al-Bukhari)
Sayyiduna Anas (Allah be pleased with him) said: “I served the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) for ten years. During that time, he never once said to me as much as “oof” if I did something wrong. He never asked me, if I had failed to do something, “Why did you not do it?” and he never said to me, if I had done something wrong, “Why did you do it?” (Sahih al-Bukhari & Sahih Muslim)
Sayyiduna Abu Hurayrah (Allah be pleased with him) narrates that the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) was asked regarding what is most likely to send people to Paradise? He (Allah bless him & give him peace) said: “Fear of Allah (taqwa) and good manners”. And he was asked regarding what is most likely to send people to Hellfire? He (Allah bless him & give him peace) said: “One’s mouth and private parts”. (Sunan Tirmidhi and others)
These and many other narrations indicate the importance of having good manners and treating others with respect, love and harmony. This important obligation is unfortunately overlooked by many of us.
As far as talking to others about your feelings and you being hurt, if you mention this in a general manner, there would be nothing wrong in doing that. However, you must ensure you don’t fall into the sin of backbiting.
Backbiting (ghibah) is a grave sin and is only permitted in certain exceptional cases, such as: mentioning to someone who will be able to get you your rights, asking a religious ruling, warning someone of the potential harms, about someone who sins openly, etc.
As such, in normal situations it would not be permitted to backbite. What you should do is talk directly to the person who hurt your feelings and sort out matters with gentleness and politeness. Keeping your feelings in your heart will only make you suffer. It’s good to talk and sort out the ill-feelings that exist. May Allah Most High honour us with the manners (akhlaq) of our beloved Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace), for success and salvation lies only in following in his footsteps, Ameen.
And Allah knows best
[Mufti] Muhammad ibn Adam
Darul Iftaa
Leicester , UK