Answered by: Aalimah Nasima Umm Hamza
Assalamu Alaikum Wa Rahmatullah
I have been married for almost 3 years. I have been separated from my husband for over 6 months. We also lost a child of 4 months 1 and a half years ago. My husband is very short-tempered and moody. He snaps within a second for no reason at all. We barely spend any time together. During the day he’s in class and in his free time he’s doing khidmat of the ustads and he’s with friends.
Times when we can be together he makes it clear to me that his relationship with his parents is more important than that with me so we go to his parent’s place. MANY times he threatened me saying he’s calling my father and few family members and his sending me home. However, he never called and I always begged to make the relationship work. Although until now he can’t explain why did he do that or what was I doing wrong despite me asking a numerous amount of times what the problem is. Once he changed plans which I didn’t know. I then asked politely but didn’t we say we doing this and he threatened to call home saying I’m disobedient.
It was also mentioned a couple of times that his ‘sheikh’ says I’m a terrible person and he’ll be better off without me. (he now claims this was a lie and he just did it to create fear in me)The words stupid, terrible, rubbish and useless were used often on me.
A few months back he came home randomly asking me abruptly and harshly: ‘Do u ever plan on having another child’ (this is not in my control) and he caused a huge fight over it saying his life is miserable with me and he’ll have to live with this misery forever. He feels like ending it right now. He then said by the next morning I must have a paper signed as to which date I want to be pregnant. If not I must go home to my parents. Until then I had no intention of going home or complaining to my parents however I couldn’t handle the emotional and verbal abuse any longer. I took the decision to go home. He then said it’s my own choice and I should take all my things and go. He repeated that adding on if I need an extra day to pack I must stay 1 day more but I must take everything and go. He claims it wasn’t meant as talaq.
He then bad-mouthed me and lied about me. However, he is refusing to give talaq. He says I should go back. Up to now, he sends messages to family members saying how disobedient and disrespectful I am also stating he will never give me talaq. Please advise. What do I do from here? I have no intention of returning to the marriage.
بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم
In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.
بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم
Marriage is meant to be a relationship where both spouses find peace, happiness and tranquillity in it. Both spouses must be kind to each other and try their best to please each other in order to please Allah Ta’ala. A husband has rights towards both his wife and parents, and he has to try his best to give his rights to both without infringing upon the rights of the other.
From the background you have given, it seems that you have faced hardships in your marriage such as the loss of your baby. I am sorry to hear this and I pray that Allah Ta’ala rewards you for this. Great difficulties such as this can have an effect on even the strongest of relationships, so please bear in mind that this may have strained your relationship.
However, I can see that you do not think your husband is treating you fairly and loses his temper as well as threatens you with family involvement as well to divulge your problems to others. This is not acceptable in a relationship and is a form of controlling behaviour and emotional abuse. You have said that you do not wish to remain in this marriage, and Islam permits a woman to apply for Khul’ from the husband with a valid reason. This is where the wife initiates getting a divorce from the husband. However, it is advisable that you first try a means of mediation in order to solve the problems between you and if these cannot be resolved then a divorce or khula’ can be asked for. The next stage for you to take is to contact a Shariah Board or Council in your locality, who can take you through the steps for mediation and then if you still wish to separate permanently, they can complete this for you.
Only Allah Ta’ala knows best
Answered by Aalimah Nasima Umm Hamza
Checked and approved by Mufti Mohammed Tosir Miah
Darul Ifta Birmingham
This answer was collected from DarulIftaBirmingham.co.uk, which is run under the supervision of Mufti Mohammed Tosir Miah from the United Kingdom.