Answered by: Ustadh Moinul Abu Hamza
Question:
Assalamualaikum, we have been in a intimate relationship for the past two and half years we wanted to get married.
but we decided to perform Istikhara for marriage my boyfriend got negative for him and positive for me and his aunt seemed to have a dream which she claimed to be negative and the mother didn’t get any result whatsoever.
My boyfriend’s family is not ready to send the proposal because they got negative istikhara so we broke up before 2 months, I don’t want to leave him. Please help me out of this.
بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمنِ الرَّحِيْم
In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.
I must make it clear from the onset that not only is an intimate relationship haram i.e distances you from your relationship with your Lord who created you and provided for you, a preventer of barakah in life a detriment to you in the akhirah.
I am reminding you of the spiritual damage this does as opposed to just saying ‘haram’ without illustration some of its meanings. The practical benefit of knowing this is this necessary to recognise for forgiveness to be accepted and for any regard to be in your direction when you are seeking answers from the one you are disobeying.
The solution is twofold, repentance and reconciliation.
Furthermore, it is not permissible to marry a zaaniyah or zaani unless they have repented. If the man or woman has not repented then the marriage is not valid.
Allaah says:
“The adulterer — fornicator marries not but an adulterous — fornicators or a Mushrikah; and the adulteress –fornicators, none marries her except an adulterer — fornicator or a Mushrik [and that means that the man who agrees to marry (have a sexual relation with) a Mushrikah (female polytheist, pagan or idolatress) or a prostitute, then surely, he is either an adulterer — fornicator, or a Mushrik (polytheist, pagan or idolater). And the woman who agrees to marry (have a sexual relation with) a Mushrik (polytheist, pagan or idolater) or an adulterer — fornicator, then she is either a prostitute or a Mushrikah (female polytheist, pagan, or idolatress)]. Such a thing is forbidden to the believers (of Islamic Monotheism)” [1]
There is a report concerning the reason for the revelation of this verse which makes the ruling clearer. Abu Dawood narrated from ‘Amr ibn Shu’ayb, from his father, from his grandfather, that Marthad ibn Abi Marthad al-Ghanawi used to smuggle prisoners from Makkah. There was in Makkah a prostitute called ‘Anaaq and she had been his friend. He said: I came to the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) and said: O Messenger of Allaah, should I marry ‘Anaaq? He remained silent and did not answer me. Then the words “and the adulteress –fornicators, none marries her except an adulterer — fornicator or a Mushrik” were revealed. He called me and recited them to me, and said: Do not marry her. [2]
Therefore the first thing that needs doing according to the Quran and Hadith and not dreams and istikhara, is repentance from both of you, which has to be sincere and followed up with a determination to not meet under these circumstances again. It is highly sinful to say, or think ‘I will not stop having relations with a man that is unlawful for me until Allah (swt) allows for me a marriage’.
Secondly, it is important to know in the times we live in what Istikhara is and what it is not. Istikhaara was often done as means of supplicating to Allah (swt) and it was between to equally permissible acts. Like asking Allah (swt) to gravitate to what is best from doing an apprenticeship or going to university.
Therefore Istikhara is between to permissible things. Thirdly Istikharah is not to seek a hukm on a matter or even the priority of say a fard obligation over a Sunnah.
So it is not logical to ask Allah (swt) for the answers while the answers are in the Quran and the Sunnah, already in place. So to your credit dear sister, you have asked those you deem more knowledgeable on the divine texts and so I ask Allah (swt) that he aids me in responding.
Often within our community, we raise the function of Istikhara beyond its level and proper use. That now put aside, a dream of any auntie would hold even less value in this regard, it could be the product of shaytan or just her imagination and ranks very low in measuring or weighing matters.
This is why if she received a dream saying to no pay the electricity bill, she would reject it for a financial reality, the same should be done if not more, for a moral reality.
Due to request for advice is ‘after the fact’ the options are limited as to what can say in this situation. You should request that the two families discuss this, the brother you are seeking to marry should do the same. Unfortunately the pain that comes due to attachment before an agreement of marriage is the wisdom behind marriage preceding attachment to save from such pain and heartache.
The only remedy for this is to make tawba, and ask Allah (swt) for forgiveness and accept the outcome after trying your utmost to reconcile between the families and to make good of difficult and problematic situation. You are not required in the circumstances to have your wali agree due to the circumstance, but at a minimum the brother must decided what to do, hopefully with his family and your family supporting you both. This what is mentioned by the hanafi jurists: “The marriage of a free and legally responsible (i.e. adult and sane) woman is valid (even) without the permission of her guardian (wali)…..and the Fatwa issued in her marrying someone who is not her legal match is of invalidity, and this is the chosen Fatwa due to corrupt times…” [3]
I pray that Allah (swt) aids you in reconciling between all parties involved. It is enough to understand that what is not good for the community is not good for the individual.
If everyone exceeded the boundaries Allah (swt) had set, including the married men and women having boyfriends and girlfriends, then there would be no sakeenah in the lives of parents and children alike.
Situations like this, though it may feel like bitter medicine and weigh heavy on the heart, situations like these should help you discover yourself and your relationship with your Lord which is most important of all.
And Allah SWT knows best.
Written by Ustadh Moinul Abu Hamza
Checked and approved Mufti Mohammed Tosir Miah
Darul Ifta Birmingham
1. Al-Quran al-Noor 24:3
2. Hadith Abu Dawood (2051)
3. Raddul Muhtar Vol 4, Pg 155