Respected imam, I am going through a very serious problem and I need Islamic guidance on it. I live in Lahore, Pakistan. I am 26 years old. I have known and liked a guy S with an intention of marriage for the past 3 years. He is educated, and belongs to a respectable family. His father died when he was very young and they have struggled a lot in their life and now they are MashAllah settled own their house etc. when he proposed to me he had told me that he lies on number 3 among the siblings he has a sister who is elder most. First she will get engaged and then my mom will pursue our brother’s proposals and marriages. I agreed to it that time. I had an elder sister too, so I was satisfied that meanwhile his sister gets engaged my sister will get engaged too and things will be fine. But leaving my elder sister my mother’s sister asked for my hand for his son, U, who is a doctor, works in the army, and is respected and noble. My family was initially angry that why they chose me over my elder sister, they asked me I said no. they asked my other aunt for her daughter, they agreed and I was satisfied. Things changed and U’s father broke his engagement with my other cousin for no reason. After sometime they started asking me again, I said no. we refused them. But this proposal never did die. They kept on asking my mom that, persuade your daughter. I talked to S, that talk to your mom, proposals are coming and in this way I can’t say no to every proposal for long. He said that I’m doing my best for sisters engagement, you pray also, something good will happen soon inshAllah. I started getting anxious and gave him 2 months’ time that do something, talk to your mother about us. He said I I will, he talked to his mother she said that “your sister is the elder most, I have no husband, I can’t take any action without my brothers, when they’ll come to know that you are thinking about your own marriage over your sister, having no father, what would they say? Ask her to wait a little.” He offered me that he can personally come and meet my parents and give them assurance if I want. I refused that they are not that modern to meet the guy alone. U’s father was also not agreeing for asking for my hand he didn’t want it to happen in my aunt’s family. It took my aunt and her children a year to persuade him for me, knowing that I had aid no twice already. In march 2012, they came formally for my proposal, U’s father also came. I had not told my mother about S, though my elder and younger sister knew. I was unhappy. They went after asking my hand, my father and mother were talking of giving them an “ok call” when I overheard them and went to them, I told them I don’t want to marry him, he is so unlike me, im not happy, I know he is good but I can’t see us both together, my biggest fault here was I didn’t tell them about my inclination towards S. even they asked me. I was afraid. I tried but words didn’t come out. My father had an answer to my every apprehension that things will be fine after marriage, opposite poles attract so on and so forth. I was crying and I said as you guys wish and I left the room and kept on crying the whole day, he knew my mother knew I was unhappy. But they said yes to them, I was annoyed unhappy. After a week U’s family came for a “rasam” at home. I accepted it as my fate. And tried hard not to think about S, I stopped all the contacts with S, didn’t answer his calls messages. He told me that if you are happy I will not annoy you. And he did not. He was heartbroken but he didn’t blame me. My fiancé started sending me text messages; I started replying so that I can adjust also. When I started talking to him, I found him exactly the way I thought he’d be, indifferent, only medical oriented, a little childish, sheepish behavior. I didn’t lose hope and kept on trying that may be he’ll get fine. After a month of engagement he was transferred to a far place where there was very less mobile connectivity. We lost that little connection too, his family meanwhile didn’t give me any importance, no phone call, no clothes no gift on eid. I started getting disappointed and thinking about S, my understanding with him. I reconciled with “S”. he just asked me one thing, if you are not happy don’t go for it, im not asking you to pretend to be happy or unhappy, neither before me nor before your parents just do the right think, which you think will satisfy you and make you happy. His sisters engagement was also done meanwhile. I decided in my mind that I will not go any further with this engagement and will call it off. I told my mother and father about U’s indifferent behavior also his family’s. They had apprehensions too; my mother asked me that engagement is the time to know one another; it’s no compulsion that you have to get married there at any cost. I was satisfied in my heart that they will listen to me, eventually when I’ll tell them. U’s family out of nowhere started asking for a wedding date, I became anxious. And told my family everything. They responded in the most unexpected manner, abusing me with harsh words, telling me I let them down, and that they’ll not agree to what im saying at any cost, for one I did not tell them on time, two; what people will say. They told me that it’s the matter of their pride honor n respect and they never allow me that. I cried I pleaded but no use. Now my parents are questioning their upbringing, cursing themselves for trusting me, providing m with a cell phone. (an important point here is my elder sister also told my parents a proposal of her choice and parents happily seen that, my brother also had done the same) I have asked them to make me marry to whoever they want but I cry every day, im so unhappy, I don’t want to marry this cousin of mine. Right after this whole discussion took place, my mother asked me to meet my fiancé and to accept this presents, my heart doesn’t agree. But I did for her. What should I do? I had even asked them that do not break the engagement meet “s’s family, investigate about them, if you feel they are good, only then move ahead, but they are unwilling to do anything. I’m so so helpless. I am just praying to Allah that he listen to me, and make a way out for me. I don’t want my parents to be disrespected among anyone, nor do I want myself to be ashamed before them ever. Please guide me.
In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.
As-salāmu ‘alaykum wa-rahmatullāhi wa-barakātuh.
Your solution is simple. If you are not happy marrying your cousin, you should not do so. This is best for you and for your cousin. Marriage is meant for two hearts to unite. If you are certain that will not happen, you should not proceed.
Your parent’s reaction is improper and irrelevant. Be firm in your resolve. Once the news is broken, there may be some turbulence in the family relationship. That will settle down over time. If you intend marrying the other person, do make Istikhara. Only if you are happy and satisfied, then proceed. During these times, turn to Allah and make Du’aa to Allah to guide you.
And Allah Ta’āla Knows Best
Mufti Ebrahim Desai.