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Should I marry a girl that has been proposed to?

Answered according to Hanafi Fiqh by Askimam.org

Assalam alikum. I am 26 years of age and I am in love with my cousin who is 30 years old. We started out as being friends about 5 years ago and we ended up falling in love. We both share the same feeling. About 4 years ago, when she received a marriage proposal she confessed to her parents that we were in love, and that I had expressed intentions of marrying her.

At that time, I was still studying. As a result my father was not supportive of the idea but not totally opposed to the idea. My mother and her mother have never really gotten along properly for reasons unknown. It appears that her mother has some kind of resentment for my mother. As a result my mother was totally opposed to the idea. Also there was the obvious age difference between us. Many things piled onto each other and at the time I said no. As I do not want to lie, at the time I was not a 100% in the marrying mood.

 

Without a doubt I did love her, and I would probably have married her if everything had turned out ok. But I took others suggestion into consideration and said no. at that time I was not really proper muslim, neglecting my prayers and such. After this whole fiasco happened, we started talking to each other again. The feeling did not go away. We have had many problems over the years, breaking up(if you will) and then we always made up. A few years after the initial incident, my mother did ask me if I was still interested in marrying her, but I felt that my mother was not totally happy with it, so I said no, and I forbid her from ever bringing up the subject again. Even at that time we were still involved. We were still in love. But I feel that I told what I did to my mother because I did not want to hurt her. I and she have been intimate on many occasions, never having sexual intercourse, but we have engaged in everything but sex.

 

Until this time I had all but lost faith. I barely ever prayed. Now about a month back, she got a proposal, which finally was accepted. All these years many families have to come to see her, but things never went forward. I was supposed to go meet my parents in about 2 months, they reside in Saudi Arabia. I live alone in India. I had thought that when I would go to Saudi, I would talk to my parents in detail, and see if they were ready to let me get married to her. But this proposal for her came and everything went ahead really fast. A date has been set for her wedding, in February. When I came to know about this I was completely crushed, many a times my thoughts wandered to wrong things, such as taking drugs so that my pain eases, as I had done a few times in the past. But I did not, I controlled myself. I was in total agony, not wanting to do anything, not wanting to interact with anyone, I only ate when I was hungry.

 

I finally turned towards Allah, I cried my eyes out, asking him for forgiveness, asking him to help me in this difficult time. After this point I felt a certain calming effect in me. Since then I have performed prayers regularly. I confessed everything to my father except the fact that we were intimate with each other. My father explained to me that my mother was actually on board with my getting married to my cousin and that I misunderstood her. My father told me that he would talk to her father if she was willing to tell them that she was still in love with me and wanted to get married to me.

 

When I talked to her about this, she said it was too late, that things had gone too far. And if she stood up now, it would break a lot of people’s hearts and create misunderstandings. She still loves me and I am sure she would still want to get married to me, but is only afraid that if she stands up and tells her parents, everything would be a mess. When she accepted the marriage proposal she accepted this for her parents and as Allah’s will. Even I have accepted this as Allah’s will.

 

For the past 3-4 days I have been seeing her in my dream, and feeling so disturbed that I would get up and then that disturbing feeling would stay with me for a very long time. Could this be a sign or is just shaitan trying to manipulate me? I am not asking for an interpretation to a dream. I understand that from what I have told you, we both appear to be sinner. And in Allah’s eyes we are, and even in our own. We can only keep asking Allah for forgiveness and hope that we do receive it. She still worries about me a lot, and thinks of me all the time. For the past few days I have really been disturbed again, I have not stopped praying to Allah for forgiveness and to give me sabr. As things stand now, I have to watch TV the entire time I am at home to keep my mind occupied; if I am away from the TV my mind wanders to her. At times I have thought that I should get married, at least that will keep my mind occupied. I have not told my parents this. And since I told my father everything he will not be looking for a girl for some time I believe.

 

I realize that we have sinned, and I want to make up for it by marrying her, I know in her heart she wants the same. She has told me, directly that she is doing this for her parent’s happiness, because with her age her parents were really worried about her. She told me she has accepted this to be Allah’s will. The last time I talked to her mother, she told me that they really wanted us to get married. But since we never sent a proposal, nothing happened. My father told me, that he believes that something could be salvaged if she was willing to stand up to her parents and tells them everything once more. He even went so far as to say that we would keep to the dates and everything. Also, I do not know if this has any weight, but, obviously the man she is set to marry has no idea about these things. He has no idea that the girl he is about to marry is still in love with another man. I have seen this happen with her sister, who was in love with another man when she got married. And she still carries feeling for him even after 12 years of marriage and 2 kids. They talk even now and meet sometimes in the presence of others. I do not want this to be our fate. If she does end up getting married to another man, I do not want her to carry any feelings for me and I know that she will. Because she has specifically asked me, “can I still talk to you after I am married?”

 

Please help me. What do you suggest I do? Almost everything reminds me of her, everything in my house, because we have been together here many times. Even if I try to put my thoughts aside, I see people getting married right in front of my house, and this reminds of her again. Should I try to convince her to stand up for us? Should I try harder to forget her? It is not possible for me to get away from here, since I am attending some extra classes for my education which will last for another 2 months or so, after which I will be looking to get a job. If you suggest that I should leave the matter be, could you kindly suggest some ways that I could overcome this? If you suggest that I should convince her, could you kindly suggest some way to do the same? I would also like to know, is there any specific way I can ask for penance for all my wrong deeds specifically for me being physically involved with her. Also, she has told me that we should pray that we could be in jannat together, is it possible for us to be together in jannat? Should Allah forgive us and bestow jannat upon us.

Answer

In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.

As-salāmu ‘alaykum wa-rahmatullāhi wa-barakātuh.

We appreciate you taking the time to seek our counsel.

Brother let us begin with a few points. Allah Ta’ālā the sole sovereign of the universe our creator, sustainer, nourisher, provider, the one who has given us Deen is pure. The messenger who brought the revelations of Deen, Jibrāīl alayhissalām is pure. Our master, the final seal of all Prophets, Muhammad salallāhu alayhi wasallam is pure. The lifestyle of a believer is one of purity and chastity. The Deen of Islam and the lifestyle of a Muslim is one which is the furthest from any type of immorality or impurity.

The relationship that you have had in the past with your cousin is one which is totally unacceptable. It is in total conflict with the lifestyle of a believer. Shari’ah is very clear on the strict laws of segregation that must be upheld by the Muslim society. The reasons and wisdoms behind this are also very apparent. Your situation is one which is a practical demonstration of the plight one finds himself in when he is not adherent to the laws of Deen and Shari’ah. 

We advise you to make sincere Tawbah to Allah Ta’ālā for the past relationship that you were involved in. Sincere Tawbah is such Tawbah where you make the strongest determination that you will never come anywhere near the sin that you had once perpetrated. Forget about this girl and never allow even an opportunity where there is a remote possibility of contact with her. She is as good as any other stranger with whom you must observe the laws of Hijab. She will go her way and you should go your way.

As for whether you and her can be in Jannah together. Forget all and any types of ideas about her. Since she is a stranger, it is not permissible for you to even entertain such thoughts.  Initially this may be difficult but as time passes you will get over her.

If you find the need to get married then find another suitable spouse whom you could spend the rest of your life with. 

We ask Allah Ta’ālā that he guide you and make your path to him easy.

And Allah Ta’āla Knows Best

Mawlana Ali bin Cassim
Student Darul Iftaa
Los Angeles, CA (USA)
 

Checked and Approved by,
Mufti Hussain Kadodia.
www.daruliftaa.net

 

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This answer was collected from Askimam.org, which is operated under the supervision of Mufti Ebrahim Desai from South Africa.

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