I’m working in Middle East and had plans to go to UK on immigration; I seek your guidance in the light of Islam in my life’s most important issue, I got married in Sept 2011 after a year of engagement, in between engagement and marriage we performed Nikkah so that I could prepare a visa for her to the Middle East, as our home land is in the sub-continent. 2 weeks before marriage she called me and said that I don’t want to have physical relationship with you for some time (which may be 3 months to 2 years) as I want to understand you first and want to adjust with you first although we were chatting every day since after nikah for about 5 months. Since this was a serious issue I told this to my parents and they took it to her parents, during the arguments she said in front of all four of them that she doesn’t want to marry me. Next day her parents ring back and told my parents that she said this in anger and we have to forgive her for her words. In addition to this she herself put it in writing that she said this in anger and she will fulfill all her duties whilst being my wife.
Since the day of marriage I complained to my wife that she is not looking happy with the marriage, but she always denied, I thought she may be upset because she left her home and I’ll make her mine with caring and love. Point to note here is that we did not consume our marriage as she was feeling pain and exhausted because of marriage function. After couple of days we had a small honeymoon to Maldives (which cost me all of my savings). During our honeymoon I discovered that my wife is continuously chatting with her old male class fellow, and obviously I objected to this. Kindly note that between the period of engagement and marriage we had big arguments twice about phone/chat regarding the outing with non-mahram male class fellows/friends.
Couple of weeks back I discover all the messages to her male/boy friend (friend living in the UK), and was shocked that she is in deep love with him and found that their plans are that once I moved to UK with her she will escape with her boyfriend from there. She is acting on her boyfriend’s impulse, she never had physical relationship with me and was always trying to escape with excuses (like I’m tired today, we will do it tomorrow, I’m having periods etc) whenever I call for it. With such proof I took her back to home country immediately, and put everything in front of our parents. They were shocked as well because this affair was going on since 4 months even before marriage. I believe that somehow her parents knew about this affair but since the Nikkah has already been done they forced her to marry me. Initially she denies that these messages was from her but later accepts it and apologize for that and was very sorry for that again we had to accept the apologies although we have written proofs of extreme love.
Currently she is living with me since a week but seems lost somewhere, her heart is not here, I believe she still loves her boyfriend, I’ve asked her many times that if she still wants to go with her boyfriend I’ll help her as currently she is destroying my, her boyfriend and her life. But I always get half hearted negative responses.
Dear Mufti sahib, kindly guide me what to do, I love her but can’t trust her after reading all those messages and plans, whenever I read those messages again I become full of anger and hatred, but I have never shown my anger since her last apologies. I also guess she will never be able to love me even though I have provided her with a lifestyle that any other girl could dream of.
I’ve already decided that if I found any new proof of communication with her boyfriend I’ll finish our marriage and give her Talāq as I can’t bear more, kindly guide me on what to do.
In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.
As-salāmu ‘alaykum wa-rahmatullāhi wa-barakātuh.
We appreciate you writing to us.
Allah Ta’ālā is the sole controller of the universe. Nothing in this world happens except with the will and decree of Allah Ta’ālā. We have been sent in this world so that Allah Ta’ālā may see how true we are to our word of recognizing him to be our one and only creator. When we have rectified our relationship with Allah Ta’ālā then even the greatest of challenges will seem minute to us. The reason is because we have conviction not in ourselves, but on the sole power and assistance of Allah Ta’ālā. For Him the matters which seem difficult in our eyes, is as trivial an affair as one we encounter in our daily lives. Every challenge that we face in life should be faced with this mind set in front of us. This is the importance of keeping our relationship with Allah Ta’ālā strong. We advise you to first strengthen your link with Allah Ta’ālā and beg and beseech him of his mercy. Inshallah when you find the mercy of Allah Ta’ālā present then this matter will also be resorted with ease.
Secondly, brother we sympathize with you and regret what has happened in the past. From the events that you have narrated to us we can gauge the instability of this girl. In order to save yourself from any future disappointment we recommend that you leave this girl back in your home country and seek another suitable spouse. You should issue her one Talāq (divorce). The procedure would be that you mention to her “I issue you one Talāq”. This is a relationship which has been shaky from the very beginning. If in the future anything were to happen then it would be a definite blow to your well-being and morale. You should hope and wish for the best, but at the same time you should also be realistic in what would be in your best interest. Inshallah Allah Ta’ālā will replace her with something that is better for you and your deen.
May Allah Ta’ālā assist you and ease all your matters for you.
And Allah Ta’āla Knows Best
Checked and Approved by,
Mufti Hussain Kadodia.
www.daruliftaa.net