I have a family problem which I hope you can guide me on, I will try to keep it as short as possible. my brother is married to my aunts (fathers sister) daughter, when she came from Pakistan to the UK she used to act in a very strange manner towards us, used to stay in her room all day except when my brother came home, used to order my mother around when it came to cooking and cleaning (my mother used to work so you can understand her upsetting on this matter), basically she tried to create a gap between herself and us. My parents didn’t do anything they called her family from Pakistan and listened to them telling us how we are not keeping their daughter to their standards etc, they put up with a lot without saying anything.
My sister in law than wanted to have her own house, my parents again willingly brought them a house; she then started to dislike it when we used to go to their house, or when we used to do anything as a family. After 5 years of putting up with this behavior my parents questioned her on her behavior, this as turned in to a 2 year fight which has split the family in the UK and Pakistan My mother is asking for all the Jewelry that she gave to her back, is she allowed to demand this back? Dose my brother have a duty to give it back to her?
My mother is a very passionate person and often she shows this passion in the form of anger, on one occasion she went to my brothers house demanding back Jewelry (as I did not witness the incident, I can only write what I was told), their was a physical struggle during this argument and my mother came back home with bruises on her arm and chest claiming my brother had hit her, my sister in law did not do anything to stop this either.
From that day on my mother has stopped us from seeing my brother, I have read many hadiths on family ties and I know it is not right, but in a situation where I have to choice between my mother or brother, dose not my mother have the higher ground? A family member, who is still in contact with my brother convinced him, after 6 months to apologies to my mother which he did in the form of a letter, however my mother is not accepting the apology as she is still demanding her jewelry back. Should my brother demand it back from his wife and give it to my mother if it means we can see our nieces, nephews again as well as have some kind of relationship established.
My father is a very old man and my mother has said that if either of them dies she dose not want us to allow my brother, sister in law or anyone from her family near the house on a occasion like this. What am I to do in a situation like this? As for keeping ties with my brother, should I keep them behind my mothers back? And dose my mother have the right to have the jewelry she gave her daughter in law back?
My brother and mother have always had a rocky relationship, but he always takes his wife side over us: what is his duty or responsibility towards his wife and mother? Should his mother be above his wife? And what is his wife responsibility towards her mother and father in law and her own mother and father, should my parents be her first priority over her own parents?
In the name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful
Assalaamu `alaykum waRahmatullahi Wabarakatoh
There are three aspects to your query
a) Mother and brother relationship
b) Sister in law’s behavior
c) Demanding the jewelry
It is extremely sad to hear of your brother’s attitude towards his mother. The rivalry between mother in law and daughter in law is a given phenomena. Your brother had to strike a balance between your mother and his wife. It is unfortunate that he could not maintain the balance and landed himself into this farce. Furthermore, his physical harm to your mother is even more serious and disastrous. He must be explained the status of a mother and the serious repercussions for being a disobedient child. In fact being disobedient to the mother deprives one of reciting the kalimah at the time of death. Such is the gravity of this sin. No moment should be spared in getting him to come your mother’s feet and humble himself and be remorseful and shameful over his actions. Your mother is justified in being upset with him. She is his mother after all. Only she knows what she has endured for this son to be where he is.
Your brother should talk to his wife regarding her attitude. Such type of behaviour can not be tolerated. He has to remain firm and set his priorities. She will have to adapt to his lifestyle and not rule his life. Unfortunately, your brother should have done so from the beginning of the marriage. However, since he had gave in to all the demands of his wife he has landed himself in this situation. If you have courage to talk to him, certainly talk to him and convince him to change his attitude. You state that a family member has contact with your brother. It is necessary to convince your brother to beg forgiveness for his sin by your mother.
Since your sister in law is your cousin, you may contact your uncle and request him to talk to his daughter. It is possible that she is reacting in this way due to some misunderstandings from your family. After all she is also a human and has feelings. Furthermore, her parents are abroad and she has no one to morally support her except your brother. Your mother must also bear this in mind that she is young and inexperienced. At times she might do something out of immaturity/frustration and your mother must have the heart to overlook and tolerate. If your mother will react as she has done, this will only create a problem and not resolve the problem. The function of a mother is like a button of a garment that she holds the family together as the button holds the garment together. However, this in no way justifies the actions of your brother or sister in law. They must express their humility and beg your parent’s forgiveness.
According to Shariah, the jewelry given to your sister in law by your mother is a gift. She becomes the owner of the jewelry and your mother cannot demand it back from her.
And Allah knows best
Wassalam
Mufti Mohammad Zakariyyah Desai,
Checked and Approved by:
Mufti Ebrahim Desai
Darul Iftaa, Madrassah In’aamiyyah