i love my husband but the problem is his parents they give me very hard time and i am tired of those problems. my husband and i have fight almost everyday just because of them. They are very bossy and they want us to do every thing that they want. it’s very hard becacuse they even hate my parents and they don’t allow my parents to come to their palce. every time i ask my husband to move out he always tell me that he has to fullfill his parents right so because of this he can’t move. i want to now what are my right is islam?
Please forgive me for the delay in responding to your mail. You write about the family problems in your marital home.
There are a few questions which I shall pose to you to explore this matter a little further. Have you managed to approach elder family persons to intercede on your behalf to deal with these problems through discussion and arbitration? Have you and your husband had the opportunity to make mashura about matters which personally effect the two of you as a couple and do you both make joint decisions which effect your personal lives? Do the two of you spent sufficient quality time together? What do you perceive to be the main areas of dispute between you and your in laws? Are you and your husband able to work through some of these conflict situations and come to a working solution which could help to diminish the conflict in any way?
You say you do not want to live with your husband’s parents. Is he an only son and does he have sufficient funds to live seperately with you? Can he be sure at the same time that his parent’s will be comfortably cared for? I get the impression that the conflict between your in laws and yourself is extended to your family and this appears to be an unhealthy environment to be living in. You use the words ‘hate’, ‘bossy’, ‘hard time’ amongst others. There appears to be a lot of conflict and this must take it’s toll on all
family members and I guess it is not easy for you.
If each member of the family decides to try in their own way to impress upon themselves and each other that there should and could be co-operation, understanding love and respect amongst all the family members this would be healthier for all concerned. Allah Ta’ala created the institution of marriage and united families in this way so that love, harmony and brotherhood/sisterhood could increase amongst Muslims. No single person is
perfect, everyone of us have flaws within us. However, with respect, tolerance and an ability to overlook each other’s faults, harmony can prevail in a family. It needs a lot of effort and perserverance. Do not despair and think that this situation will not change. Once there is a lot of give and take on both sides, relationships can improve.
Your husband has to understand that you are an adult, an indivdual and his wife. Allah Ta’ala granted you to him as a wife and as such he has a duty to cherish and protect you from being hurt and abused by others. Yes, he has to fulfill his parent’s rights but at the same time he cannot deny you emotional and moral support. You have a right to live in an emotionally healthy environment. Sister, you say that you and your husband quarrel daily due to the conflict you have with his parents. Don’t you think this is rather a negative way to solve your problems? You have to literary become the ‘smart one’ in this situation and draw your husband closer to you. When he finds himself placed in the ‘middle’ and having to take sides between his wife and parents, you turn out to be the loser. Do you think it would be a better idea that when your husband gets home he is met by a loving, welcoming wife who has no bad news for him but is a comfort and one whom he
looks forward to being with? No matter what your in-laws say to or about you, why not let it rest there and avoid dragging your husband into it? Try to sort out your problems with your in laws in a positive way by giving them feedback about how you feel when they behave negatively towards you. Point out to them that you would prefer to live with them in peace and ask them to sincerely give it a try. Insha’allah, if you turn to Allah Ta’ala and ask Him to guide every one of you to have a change of heart, your duas will be answered. This may not sound easy but do try to be positive in your approach. Both of you could also consult a professional marital counsellor so that you can develop more adaptive and positive means to deal with your conflicts and to build up a closer and more loving relationship. Try to focus on your relationship with your husband at all costs and insha’allah he will realise at some stage that you deserve better.
May Allah Ta’ala increase understanding, respect and tolerance amongst all family members. Ameen.
And Allah Ta’ala knows best
CHECKED & APPROVED: Mufti Ebrahim Desai