I have a serious problem. I am unable to continually please my husband and he often becomes extremely angry at me. It is not his fault as he is very patient and understanding. The fault lies completely with me. In May 2004 I accepted Islam and married my husband. He is very caring and patient. But I fear his patience will run out if I don’t get it together soon.
Please allow me to give you a little background information.
I grew up in a kauffar family with alcoholic parents. I was emotionally abused very much and have developed serious problems because of this. My father used to leave me outside in the car while he went and drank in the worst part of town. My mother used to lecture me for hours and hours about every little wrong thing I did. I was, at one point, an alcoholic myself. I recently realised that I have some brain damage caused by my mother’s drinking while she was pregnant with me. This problem called Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, leaves me with poor short term memory, an inability to handle too much stress without getting upset myself, I have a hard time to control my emotions – leading me to have crying spells that can last for hours, if I don’t calm myself down quickly. What I found that works is sitting alone in a room and doing dhikr until I am calm enough to be reasonable. (Part of what I think of when i get upset and cry is that I am destined to go to the hell fire because I have a hard time to keep the place clean and orderly and I am forever annoying my husband.) I am afraid that I am bringing hardship on the household becuase of my problems. I am very blessed becuase Allah has made me intellegent becuase of this. However, this is part of the problem. I seem like I can handle this because I speak well and can do other things very well. I have been trying but I always forget what he wants me to do, or I forget what I once knew how to do. This frustrates him to no end.
When I get upset I find myself doing things I don;t mean, like talking back and argueing with him. It is all my fault and I feel so horrible about it after I calm down. But by that point the damage has been done. Please please help by suggesting something for me.I don’t want to ruin my marriage or mess up my baby like my parents messed me up.
Jazakallah khair for writing to the institute regarding the problems you are experiencing. Allow me to firstly congratulate you on the major achievement of accepting Islam. You are indeed a very fortunate woman and very loved by your Creator. May Allah Ta’ala grant you ease and remove the difficulties you are facing presently. May He also grant your husband the understanding and sabr to help you with your problems so that the relationship and bond becomes stronger between you two. Ameen. Allow me to suggest to you that both of you seek professional help as soon as possible. Please visit your physician with a view to further investigations for yourself. You have obviously suffered physical and perhaps physiological damage due to the FAS.You also need to go a psychologist for counseling to work through all the pain and grief you have been through. You need to learn to have more confidence in yourself and to discover that the wonderful human being within you.
Insha’allah, you will be able to throw off the burden of your early emotional losses and be able to achieve what you wish to, for your family and yourself.
I sincerely hope that you go for professsional help as soon as possible.
Please write again if you wish.
Allah Ta’ala knows best.
Sister Fadila
Social Dept
CHECKED & APPROVED: Mufti Ebrahim Desai