i have been married 2 years with my husband and we have two children together. it was a love marriage.
after we were married, my husband was pressured into married a second time by his family. The other women was previously his sister in law, who has 3 children already by his brother, who died a few years ago, and she is around 12 years oldre than us, we are both 20 years old. She lives in pakistan and we live in the uk.
when he goes to pakistan to see them, it will be the first time after they have been married (on phone).
- does he have to have sex with the other women?
- if they sleep in the same room, can he sleep on a seperate bed?
- she lives at his parents house. my husband sends money to the family regularly, out of which some money is for her and her children to spend how she wants. if he gives money, clothes, and other things to her, do they need to have intimate relations as well?
he cant go pakistan at the moment because he has a case pending with the home office for extension of his visa, so they have his passport, so he cant spend equal time between both. Also he attends full time college during the week, and part time work on weekends (where he gets the money to send them), so even if his passport came back, he wouldnt be able to go to pakistan for more than a few weeks a year, and we have no savings since all the money he makes is sent their to support his family all the time (we recently sent the few thousand pounds we had to send his parents to Hajj this year). we are back to zero pounds again, but we are trying.
- how does this impact the time spent equally since its not within our control. we are trying so will Allah hold it against him?
- i am having trouble with this situation. i don’t mind him being married but I feel horrible about the fact that he will be touched by another woman and he will be intimate with another woimen besides me.
- sometimes i find myself hating myself, him ofr putting me in this situation, the other women for marrying him when she could have said no, his parents for pressuring him. will i be punished for my thoughts.
a website said that the human wives will bcome the hur in heaven, all virgianl after every sex. is this true? will the men have 72 wives or not? what will they have 72, heaven seems to be place for the men to have sex, whereas the women are there to please them. i don want to see my husban having sex with anyone.
my janat is me, my husband – to myself, and our children, a small house etc. will Allah give me this if i ask.
please help me as all these things have been troubling me for a while and i cant sleep.
In the name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful
Assalaamu `alaykum waRahmatullahi Wabarakatoh
Jazakallah ghair for writing to the institute.
Although you find yourself in a difficult position emotionally, you have to understand that your husband accepted to make nikah with this lady.
This decision to make nikah with her, imposes Allah Ta’ala’s laws upon him. He has to treat her as a wife just as he treats you as one.
Since he is trying his best to support her within his means, he will not be taken to task for his efforts. Allah Ta’ala is not unmerciful, whatever effort he is making for his parents and the two women he has married, he will be rewarded accordingly. He has not married this woman out of lust nor according to his nafs, he has married her so that she may have someone to support her and be a father to her children. These are noble reasons and in keeping with the precepts of our beloved Nabi (sallallaahu alayhi wassallam).
Your difficulty in dealing with the ‘sexual issues’ are natural as you love your husband. However, since he has already accepted this lady, you cannot deny her the right to be with him and to have sexual relations with him. Allah Ta’ala has granted this privilege to Muslim men to have more than one wife. Allow me to suggest that since you say he will not be going over to Pakistan till he is more financially secure, look after yourself emotionally otherwise you may become an emotional wreck. Please read the Quran and hadith in English and try to understand that Allah Ta’ala has made this concession. As Muslims we submit and obey Allah Ta’ala’s laws. You feel hurt and angry with him and her for accepting this move and you feel angry with his parents for suggesting this. However, Jannah is yours to earn in this matter. Your husband has married an older widow and he has accepted her children. This is a noble gesture on his behalf especially considering that he is a young man and she is much older. If you help him in this matter, if those children grow up with sound deeni education and turn out to be pious practicing Muslims, you will earn great rewards for being part of their upbringing, insha’allah. This dunya is but a fleeting fancy and a short stay. You mention Jannah and the pleasures that await us. Sister, Allah Ta’ala elevated the position of women in Islam over one thousand four hundred years ago. Whatever is promised to pious Muslim men, is also promised to Muslim women. You can be the hur your husband can have in Jannah. If you remain by his side and assist him to perform good deeds, if you enable him to be of service to Allah Ta’ala’s creation in whatever way it is humanly possible and if you remove obstacles and encourage him in the face of adversity, Allah Ta’ala will prepare such treasures for you in Jannah that you will wonder what this world was all about. This world is no comparison to what awaits the fortunate ones in Jannah. Consider this as Allah Ta’ala’s test and love for you. There can be no greater love than Allah Ta’ala’s love for you. This could be the means of Allah Ta’ala drawing you closer to Him, so worship Him and give thanks to Him for the many ne’mah and bounties He has showered upon you. When you feel down about this situation, think, ‘ what if you were in this situation with three children and no one interested in assisting you or marrying you to give your children the love and care of a father figure. To help you to come to terms with your present situation, spend your time learning more about deen and how you could elevate your spiritual self. Seek closeness to Allah Ta’ala.
You have perhaps discussed your feelings with your husband. Allow him to speak to you about what he feels and try to improve on your understanding on why he made this noble decision. Although this is very difficult for you, I suggest that you take this opportunity to turn this situation into a complete positive for yourself and gain Allah Ta’ala’s pleasure through it. May Allah Ta’ala comfort, guide and assist you towards accepting this situation for your greater good, ameen.
And Allah knows best
Checked and Approved by:
Mufti Ebrahim Desai
Darul Iftaa, Madrassah In’aamiyyah