Assalam O Alaikum,
I have been married for about 6 years now which includes 2 years in Nikah. We both try to follow Islam and following the religion was the reason of our marriage. Me and my wife had a lot of fights during this period. In the early years I have been a bad husband, I was too selfish, didnt take care of her, never fulfilled her needs whatsoever. She made a lot of sacrifices for me and I was careless. I also beat her once and put all the blame on her for all our fights and problems. I was working and my work included chatting with clients, some of the clients were women also but I never told my wife because I didnt want a fight to start, the chats had nothing ever wrong in them and a strict check was done by the company that nothing wrong is said to the clients, but I was wrong not to tell my wife and she got very very angry on it. Having the looks of Muslims (beard and Niqaab) we watched movies together and were unable to leave all the bad habits. Later, my because of not having a good jobs in financial terms I left the job and planned to go for studying abroad, my wife applied for my university and also for herself, I got admission but she did not. I told her that I will not go without you but I still decided and came to another country. Obviously, she should be heart broken with this. Later ALHAMDULILLAH she joined me. The latest fight we had was when I had a project group in a course with females and there was a whatsapp group for it in which I had written nothing wrong but had messaged many times which I thought my wife would not like, so I deleted the messages. My wife had already read the messages, and she was checking my mobile again and asked if I deleted the messages, I lied to her saying that I did not delete them. This incident broke all the trust she had in me. She went to the home country for 2 months and now she is back but she hates me with all her heart now. She just doesnt want to live with me anymore. Since that incident I have left all the movies and everything. I have gotten closer to ALLAH like never before. Its been about 5 months that I have been trying to follow Islam like never before in the 8 years I changed. But my wife doesn’t care about it anymore. I love my wife from the core of my heart. I have always loved her but never given her the love she deserved, but now I am doing all I can to become her ideal husband but she is not into me and all my trying anymore. Our parents know all about our fights and want it all to settle but my wife hates me now and I really love her a lot. Every other day she says that she wants to leave me.
What should I or she do now, please guide on it, a guidance for both of us. Just maybe she will also read this. Please reply ASAP.
Jazak ALLAH.
One of the first steps in resolving a dispute is to confess to one’s mistakes. It is truly praiseworthy that you have confessed to your mistakes without directing false allegations to the other party. May Allah accept your repentance. Ameen.
The prophet, may Allah send salutations upon him, is reported to have said, “The best worldly thing is a pious woman”[1]. Indeed, a bounty is only realized when it’s lost. Your wife seems to have been loyal, loving, and forgiving throughout the many mishaps you’ve fallen into. Human beings tend to have a “last straw” after which recovery becomes very difficult. Your wife is obviously very hurt because of the suffering she had to endure.
You should consider identifying an influential person and confide in him. Request him to intervene and break the impasse between you and your wife. Also request him to regularly monitor the relationship between both of you until the relationship becomes normal.
From the question posed it seems like you haven’t formally apologized to her. Write an apology letter to her. The letter should consist of the following:
- Your acknowledgement of the pain you’ve caused her and your remorse over that.
- Your confession to all the mistakes you’ve committed in the past coupled with words of regret and sorrow.
- Your desire to rectify yourself from the all forms of vice with extra emphasis on dishonesty and unnecessary opposite gender interaction.
- A mention of your love for her.
Continue to make du’a and demonstrate to her from now that you’ve truly changed. Spending more time home and less time outside or on the phone can prove to be beneficial. Avail yourself as much as you can for her. In the initial stages, you might meet some harshness; persevere and continue to be the ideal husband she desires. We beseech Allah to help you through this difficult phase of your life. Ameen.
And Allah Ta’āla Knows Best
Tahmid Chowdhury
Student Darul Iftaa
New York, USA
Checked and Approved by,
Mufti Ebrahim Desai.