Problems with my father

Answered according to Hanafi Fiqh by Askimam.org

I am a 15 year old boy . To be honest , I have problems with my father . My father is not a nice person . He’s very , very arrogant . And for some reason he dislikes my mothers family (besides her parents ) . I honestly don’t know why . They are the nicest people I know . I am very close to them . One thing I left out is that I live next to my Grandparents (mothers parents) . I really enjoy going there . Recently , I have no idea why , my father has been forbidding me from going to my grandparents house . At first when he told me I’m not allowed to go there anymore , I thought he was joking . One day I walked home from their and he took me and started beating me (punching , slapping strangling me on the car ) .

And the reason he did that was because I went to my grandparents house and he couldn’t go buy milk from the store on his own . After he beat me there was marks on my neck from where he strangled me and it was swollen . some other things to give an idea about my father is , if my mothers older siblings come in from the countries they live in , and we hardly see them a lot (twice a year) If I I want to go to my grandmothers house to greet them when they just get there from the airport my father tells me , “what do you want to go to them for . They don’t care about you .” . One more thing is my father doesn’t really like his parents , he always tells me and my sisters that his parents didn’t really care about him . I love all my grandparents. I don’t really care about my fathers problems with his family .

But I love all of them . So anyways my father to,d me he doesn’t want me to go there because of all my uncles and aunties and cousins , he said they are all fake people . So the day they left back for their home countries I said at least now I can go to my grandmothers house again . At night I asked my mother if I could sleep there . She allowed me . The next day I was walking around my house when I got a message from my father “get your bloody a*s home immediately. I was already home idiot think he knew . I was walking around my house I saw my father multiple timed although the he claims he didn’t see me . Later I was sitting in my room and he just barged in and started swearing at me and then grabbed me by my neck and started to punch me and slap me . Another thing that upsets me is that if I talk to my mother about this he’ll hit me more . I don’t know what to do anymore . He also swears me a lot in front of my small sisters (their ages – 3,6,8)

Answer

In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.

As-salāmu ‘alaykum wa-rahmatullāhi wa-barakātuh.

We take note of the contents of your email. We are unable to comment on your fathers’ attitude towards you as we do not know the background and context of the issue.

We advise you to continue being tolerant and respectful to your father. This is an injunction of Allah Ta’ālā in the Qur’an. 

Allah Ta’ālā says,

وَقَضَى رَبُّكَ أَلَّا تَعْبُدُوا إِلَّا إِيَّاهُ وَبِالْوَالِدَيْنِ إِحْسَانًا إِمَّا يَبْلُغَنَّ عِنْدَكَ الْكِبَرَ أَحَدُهُمَا أَوْ كِلَاهُمَا فَلَا تَقُلْ لَهُمَا أُفٍّ وَلَا تَنْهَرْهُمَا وَقُلْ لَهُمَا قَوْلًا كَرِيمًا. وَاخْفِضْ لَهُمَا جَنَاحَ الذُّلِّ مِنَ الرَّحْمَةِ وَقُلْ رَبِّ ارْحَمْهُمَا كَمَا رَبَّيَانِي صَغِيرًا.

“Your Sustainer has ordained that you do not worship but him and that you show kindness to your parents. If one of them or both of them reach old age in your life, do not say to them: ‘Ugh!’ nor scold them. Rather, speak to them with respect. Lower before them the wing of humility out of tenderness and say: ‘O Sustainer! Show mercy to them as they reared me when I was little.’ الإسراء: 23، 24

 

وَاعْبُدُوا اللَّهَ وَلا تُشْرِكُوا بِهِ شَيْئاً وَبِالْوَالِدَيْنِ إِحْسَاناً وَبِذِي الْقُرْبَى وَالْيَتَامَى وَالْمَسَاكِينِ وَالْجَارِذِي الْقُرْبَى وَالْجَارِ الْجُنُبِ وَالصَّاحِبِ بِالْجَنْبِ وَابْنِ السَّبِيلِ وَمَا مَلَكَتْ أَيْمَانُكُمْ

Worship Allah and join none with him (in worship), and do good to parents, kinfolk, orphans, poor, (the) neighbour who is near of kin, (the) neighbour who is a stranger, the companion by your side, the way farer (you meet) and those (slaves) whom your right hands possess” النساء:  36

 

It may be an idea to identify an influential person in the community who also knows your father, for example your local Alim or Madrasah Teacher and confide with him with the intention of him discussing the issue with your father. The person will use the opportunity to advise your father if he feels his attitude is incorrect.

 

We also advise you to perform your Salaah and make lots of duas to guide you and soften your fathers’ heart.

يَاأَيُّهَا الَّذِينَ آمَنُوا اسْتَعِينُوا بِالصَّبْرِ وَالصَّلَاةِ إِنَّ اللَّهَ مَعَ الصَّابِرِينَ

 

O you who believe! Seek assistance through patience and salaah. 153   البقرة

 

We make dua that Allah Ta’ālā put barakah in your youth and make you pious and an asset for the Ummah

And Allah Ta’āla Knows Best

Huzaifah Deedat

Student Darul Iftaa
Lusaka, Zambia

Checked and Approved by,
Mufti Ebrahim Desai.

 

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