Question: I have been married for two and a half years. My married life has been filled with constant arguments. My husband is an angry man and gets in a rage about the tiny things. He refuses to believe that he is ever wrong. We do not understand each other at all, and I have tried so hard but the arguments never stop. I am so tired of always being unhappy. I know Allah hates divorce, but how do we know when we should divorce?
Answer:
Assalamu alaykum,
Thank you for your question. I empathize with the frustration and unhappiness that you are constantly feeling. It looks like you have to make a serious decision and take serious steps. By the grace of Allah, your decision will be clear to you at the end.
Work, Work, and More Work
Every marriage takes work, and it sounds like your marriage needs a bit more of it. Please take a free course on marriage, read the books below, and apply the tips and techniques in them. The only way to move forward is to learn, intend to change, and apply. If you remain as you are, you are doomed to be unhappy for a long time. It is true that he needs to change too, but start with yourself as you are willing.
[5 love languages, John Gottman’s Marriage Book, Fascinating Womanhood]
Istikhara
Please apply some of the tips in your marriage, and see if you notice an improvement. Give it some time and sincerely ask Allah to help you better your situation. If you do not see any improvement, it might be time to pray istikhara about divorce. Although divorce is the most hated of the permissible things, one cannot live a life of misery where one is behaving un-Islamically from morning to evening.
Steps
In the meantime, I recommend that you take these steps:
-Give a little charity regularly, as Allah may bless and accept your good deed and make it a means of success in your problem
-Be the best Muslim that you can be. Pray on time, read some Qu’ran every day, and learn or review your obligatory knowledge. Arguing day in and day out should make your relationship with Allah stronger.
-Try to spend time together with friends and family. One tends to argue less. Entertain as much as you can.
-Try the secret weapon of silence. It takes two to argue, but if you can just listen to what he is saying and not respond, it will keep things calm and cool, and he will have nothing to go on about. Use the silence for contemplation.
-Pray the Prayer of Need in the depth of the night when Allah is ready to forgive and give to whoever is asking.
Please see these link for similar situations and solutions:
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/husband-argue-lot-front-small-daughter-calls-names-tells-shut-scares/
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/the-fiqh-of-anger/
May Allah give you the best in this world and the next and guide you to what is right for you both.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.