Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
Question
I have met a woman, and we want to marry each other, but during that time, her family has tried to force her to marry someone else, which she has now declined. Her family will not accept me and have made her choose between marrying me and losing her family or marrying the person of their choosing. They also stole money from her and forced her to look after someone else’s child. I want to do what I think is right and marry her, but I’m not sure what to do.
Answer
Thank you for your question. I am sorry that you are faced with such a big challenge in this situation, and I pray that Allah gives you both what is best for you.
Permission
The reality is that she cannot marry you without her father’s permission. Can you go to her house with your father and formally propose? Have they met you and gotten to know you well? You should pray istikhara about this and be sure that you should pursue someone who comes with so much family baggage. Also, are you choosing her for religion? Heed the prophetic advice: “A woman is married for four things: for her wealth, for her lineage, for her beauty or for her piety. Select the pious; may you be blessed! “[Bukhari & Muslim]
Refusal
If her father refuses to agree, she may be stuck for a long time and suffer. Even if she does not marry you, they won’t let her off the hook until she marries a person of their choosing. Marriage may not be forced.
The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said, “A matron should not be given in marriage until she is consulted, and a virgin should not be given in marriage until her permission is sought, and her silence is her permission.” [Tirmidhi]
If her parents are flexible at all, she must communicate with her family and make them come around. If they really are planning on forcing her, then she needs to find a way out, as this is a type of abuse.
Turn to Allah
Running away with her and eloping is not an option, so the best you can do is turn to Allah wholeheartedly and ask that He answer your prayers. Do your part by praying on time, reading some Quran daily with the meaning, taking a course on Islamic Marriage, and preparing yourself professionally. Also, you should keep your distance from her as getting attached emotionally might end up being fruitless. Save yourself the pain and guard your modesty.
Please see these links as well:
Can a Father Refuse to Meet a Suitor for His Daughter?
Why Did My Parents Reject My Potential Suitor?
What Should I Do about Stubborn Parents Who Refuse My Potential Suitor?
May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years where she studied aqida, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.