Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
Question:
I have been friends with a boy for a long time, and we used to talk every day. However, one day, he told me he can’t speak to me regularly and that we need to speak like friends. I am extremely hurt as he did tell me he wants to marry me, and now he only speaks to me infrequently. For all those times I spoke to him, I repented to Allah, but I miss him a lot, and I don’t know what to do. I still have his number, and he calls me occasionally. Shall I delete him?
Answer:
Assalamu alaykum,
Thank you for your question. I am sorry that you are hurt by his sudden disappearance or the like of it; this is a sign that the boy is pious, God-fearing, and is exactly the kind of person that you should marry.
Taqwa
He has pulled back from you because he fears Allah Most High and doesn’t want to be accountable for an illicit relationship, despite it not being physical. This is all good for you and for him.
Allah tells us in the Qur’an to fear Him, and he is applying this Qur’anic injunction: “O mankind, We have created you from a male and a female, and made you into races and tribes, so that you may identify one another. Indeed the noblest of you, in Allah’s sight, is the one who is most pious of you. Surely Allah is All-Knowing, All-Aware. “[Qur’an, 49:13]
And the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) told us, “I have not left a trial after me more harmful to men than women.” [Bukhari & Muslim] Your friend understands this, and he is saving himself from harm, pain, and regret. He is wise, and the good news is that he may want you as a wife and not a friend. Fear Allah as much as you can, and leave the rest to Him.
Repentance
First, you should cut him off completely; you don’t need to be talking to him occasionally, as it will just make your pain worse. Repent sincerely for having had this friendship, and I urge you to remember that adhering to the Sacred Law in everything you do will bring blessings in it, especially marriage. Pray the Prayer of Need and ask Allah to guide you to the partner for you. Being patient now and doing the right thing will be worth it in the long run. Otherwise, there is no point in having a friendship with a boy because it will be hard, painful, and sinful at the same time.
Options
Your options are two, marry him or forget about him. You should communicate to him that you also don’t want to be friends but that there is only one way to make this halal. If he is serious about you, he should come over with his family with a formal proposal. If he isn’t or has decided that he is too young to think about marriage, you should really do your best to forget about him and move on. Cut him off completely, delete his number and ask him to do the same. He can consider proposing in the future, but for now, your friendship should be over. If a proposal does arrive from him, be sure to pray istikhara and consult, marry for piety and nothing else.
Please see this advice as well:
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/marriage/friendship-between-boy-girl/
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/how-can-i-regain-the-friendship-of-a-man-i-want-to-marry/
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/should-i-break-ties-with-my-friend-who-i-fell-in-love-with/
May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.