Question
I have been receiving pressure for four years about marrying a relative. I said no due to uneasiness, but this last year began to potentially consider it due to the pressure of my mother & partly my father. I prayed much in Ramadan for an opening. We recently heard inappropriate pictures were circulating of this guy. My mother is still pressuring or hopeful in this proposal despite this all, and I spoke to her with much anger. She says I am disobedient, rude, and disrespectful.
Answer
Assalamu alaykum,
Thank you for your question. I am sorry for the pressure that you are under regarding this relative. Follow your instincts and your istikhara.
Instincts
If this person is already making you uneasy and strange pictures of him are found on the net, then I feel that your feeling is correct, and you need to stand your ground. The Prophet, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, “A woman is married for four things: for her wealth, for her lineage, for her beauty or her piety. Select the pious. May you be blessed!“ [Bukhari & Muslim] Of course, this applies to husbands, too. A mother’s pressure is not a good reason to marry someone, especially if he doesn’t seem to fulfill the prophetic advice.
Istikhara
Pray istikhara in any case for guidance, and wait for Allah to put the right decision in your heart with confidence and trust. If there is any hope for this person, or if he just misunderstood, your istikhara will shine a light on that. This will put blessings in your decision and give it more weight in front of your parents.
Disrespect
As for disrespecting your mother, it is true that this behavior probably hurt her feelings. Try your best to stick to the point and if you feel that you might end up yelling at her, try to keep silent. Ask her to understand your feelings. Communicate better and have an honest conversation from A-Z about this man, so when you make your final decision, there will be no doubt, and she will leave you alone. Please see more details here:
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/parents-2/
May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, Tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Master’s in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.