Question: A guy from back home requested my hand in marriage. I spoke with him over the phone and did istikhara. After reading a Seekersguidance article about marriage, his name came up. I thought it was a good sign, but I still said no. Then I felt I made a mistake and prayed to Allah that if this proposal comes back, I’ll say yes. After a few months, they did propose again. I’m not sure now. He does not want me to work and wants me to move back home. I’m worried I won’t be happy with him with these conditions.
Thank you for your question. It is indeed confusing and frustrating when one is trying to choose one’s spouse and make the best decision. I pray that Allah guides you to the right decision for you and puts blessings in your situation.
If I were in your shoes, I would pray istikhara again. This situation is different from the last situation because the timing is different and you or the suitor may have changed and seen things differently. Pray it for 3 or 7 days and see how you feel. If you are feeling good overall, that is a good sign but if you are having doubts again, then this is a bad sign. See the etiquette of istikhara here:
A basis to pray your istikhara on
Usually before one prays istikhara for marriage, one has a basis to consider someone. Does this man have any of the qualities of a good suitor? Have you followed the Prophetic advice when you considered him? The Prophet, may Allah bless him and give him peace, said, “A woman is married for four things: for her wealth, for her lineage, for her beauty or for her piety. Select the pious, may you be blessed!” [Bukhari and Muslim].
So, in short, if this man has the qualities that you should consider first in a husband, then you should pray istikhara and follow it. If you still can’t decide, talk to him a few more times to learn about his personality and go with your instinct. If he doesn’t even have the praiseworthy qualities of a pious husband, I think that you should just walk away.
Working and living back home
If you do decide to accept this man, you should wholeheartedly accept his conditions and not get upset later on. If there is any room for compromise, you should have that discussion now. As for living back home, be ready to accept it when you do go there and know what you are getting into. If you really feel that it’s not right for you, after praying istikhara and speaking to elders, friends, or scholars for advice, then walk away now.
Please see these articles and be sure to take a free course on marriage so that you can learn about your rights and obligations and strive for a spiritually Islamic marriage.
May Allah reward you and give you the absolute best in your choice of marriage for your world and hereafter.
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.