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I have read some of the responses to sisters and brothers concerned about their parents’ desire to see them married to someone of a similar ethnic or cultural background when they would like to not be bound by that ‘requirement.’ On the other hand — what would you advise to someone who understands and accepts his/her parents’ desire that one marries someone of the same culture yet is constantly approached by others not of the same culture for marriage? What should he/she tell others why their proposal is not being accepted? Is an explanation even necessary? I’ve seen parents try to explain with the result of being accused of being ‘racist’ or ‘ethnocentric’ because ‘a Muslim is a Muslim’ and ‘only deen should matter’ — however, I do not really think ‘ethnocentricity’ and/or ‘lack of iman’ or vision is always the case behind these parents’ preferences/actions…
Wa `alaykum as-Salam wa rahmatullah wa barakatuh:
An explanation or some learning is necessary about the fiqh of kafa’a or suitability together with adequate understanding of filial piety and trust in the judgment of elders and parents that act in the vast majority of cases for the greater benefit of their children.
For example, the suitability of a person from ahl al-bayt is that they marry another person of ahl al-bayt because it is far more probable that such a spouse will never insult “your family” and thus commit kufr because such insult might reach to the Prophet, upon him blessings and peace if the family in question descends from him! However, if the proposer’s piety is tested and satisfactory then he may marry a nasiba or sayyida even if not himself a nasib or sayyid.
More usual types of suitability involve social standing, wealth, ethnicity, nationality, beauty, age, marital state…. All this is not to say that there is inferiority or superiority, no; but there are wiser choices to be made so as to insure greater compatibility between not only two individuals but also their respective backgrounds and families so as to increase the chances for that bond – and contract – to be successful and blessed.
Recently I heard the retired qadi Shaykh Muhammad Murshid Abidin – son of Shaykh Abu al-Khayr the great-grandson of the author of the Hashiya – say, when asked about a son that married a pious but culturally and socially “mismatched” muhajjaba against the wishes of his parents who had long desired him and planned for him to marry his half-sleeved cousin: “He was wrong.” Allah knows best.
Hajj Gibril
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