Hurmate Mushairat and talaq

A few months ago, I used to read and listen audio sex stories on phone. In those stories,there were also stories on the sexual relation of brother -sister, daughter in law-father in law, mother-son etc.one day ,when I was listening to the story of father in law and daughter in law sexual relation and intercourse.then while listening to this story,I imagined myself and my father in law in place of the characters of the story.i was imagining that me and father in law are having intercourse and I was feeling lust and I also had semen discharge by thinking and imagining all this. Just by acting and feeling or imagine that we are having intercourse and by semen discharge I became haram on my husband? Because I have heard that these are also a type of zina. And any form of stimulation of the private parts (other than sexual intercourse with one’s spouse) considered to be Masterbation.
Therefore fantasising about sexual intercourse or any other sexual activity to the point of climax will be considered as masterbation and therefore this practice will be considered haram.by doing zinA and something like that,the wife become haram because it is a type of zina so i became haram on my hubby?.and I also heard that there is zina of ears And by zina of ears I got this thoughts and i did all this things and imagination.So by doing this type of zina, That firstly, I done zina of ears and by this zina I also done zina of heart and also had masterbation so by this types of zina I became haram on my husband or not?I feel that I’m haram on my husband because I heard that if a woman having intercourse with her husband and she is imagening that she having intercourse with someone else,then it is a type of zina and also heard that narrated by Abu Hurairah: The Prophet (ﷺ) said, “Allah forgives my followers those (evil deeds) their souls may whisper or suggest to them as long as they do not act (on it) or speak.” So i have imagining that I’m having intercourse with Father in law and it’s also a type of zina and when thought came in my mind by listening,then I acted like we are having intercourse.so by this type of zina and act on this thought I became haram on him because it is zina. And I also used to imagine that me and father in law talking dirty words while having intercourse and maybe those dirty words used to come out of my tongue while doing this. So by saying it with the tongue, Hurmate Mushairat became applicable? because it is written in it that Allah forgive my followers those (evil deeds) their souls may whisper or suggest to them as log as they do not act (on it) or speak.So when I heard this story, I imagined that we are having intercourse with dirty words and those words were spoken with my tongue, This means that I heard it and got it acted and told it to the tongue and the private part also accepted it means it was semen discharged, then Hurmate mushaerat established? im very confused because we got secret mArriage and for a year all was well.but since he gave me Phone and I heard this story, after that we started fighting everyday automatically and we both wanted to be separated from each other,we both started seeing faults in each other.he felt that he made a mistake by marrying me,I have changed, I’m not as good as before.whereas before that he never felt for me that by marrying me he made a mistake and I’m not good for him.whereas for a year after the nikah,he used to tell me that,I don’t know what kind of behaviour Allah liked about me that he gave me a wife as good as yours, the more I thank Allah,the less it is.whereas now he says I don’t know for what sins Allah has punished me,got me married to you and he also used to talk about marriyng someone else and one day the fight escalated to much that I misbehaved with him ,I called him a dog.so because of my insolence he thought that when she will come home after nikah in front of family,then if she behaves like this,then what will my family say? So he threatened me with divorce with the intention of improving me.he thought that after listening to the divorce she will tell me don’t divorce me and then I’ll improve her.but with the threat of divorce,I thought he was divorcing beacuse of other girl and that’s why I said yes to divorce.i just wanted to see is he divorces me or not but I didn’t know that he would divorce me and after saying yes to divorce,he gave me 3 talaq by thinking that just as there is no marriage on the message ,in the same way there is no divorce on the message.he divorces me out of ignorance(la ilmi). He didn’t know that divorce happened by writing .if he known that such a divorce would take place, he would not have divorced.now I feel that this divorce is happened because of imagining this, I’m haram on him and because of the imposition of hurmate mushaerat Allah himself separated us through divorces.so is it true that I’m became haram on him?and even after valid halala, I can’t marry him ,plZ tell me that hurmate mushaerat established ?because I don’t want when we get marries after halala,so this marriage is not a marriage but it’s zina and we kept on this mArriage and kept doing zina for the rest of our lives.because the prophet has said that people will having zina with their wives, then I think because of this we will doing zina even after valid halala. I don’t want him to be punished for my mistake because he doesn’t know anything and it is not his fault and i don’t want him to keep on sinning unknowingly because of me and sometimes I feel that, this divorce has happened because of my insolence and disobedience, because the prophet said that Allah doesn’t accept the duaa (prayer)of such people who don’t divorce an illmannerd and disobediant wife .so I think maybe we got divorced from Allah’s side because of this things.because I used to go out without asking him and I used to talk a boy secretly and I also used to imagine that I got married with this guy and we are having intercourse and I used to see that boy’s pic in phone and I used to talk to my cousin brother too without telling him.even though he forbade me to talk to cousin brother and I also went to the garden with my cousin without informing him ,even though he forbade me to talk to cousin and I went out of town despite his refusal to meet my cousin and I lied to him that I was going to meet uncle.And I went to the garden many times with my non-Muslim friend and her boyfriend, without informing my husband. And maybe once I even removed the naqab from my face in front of her boyfriend and maybe he even saw my face, that’s why I think this divorce has happened from Allah’s side because of all this reasons that I disobeyed him,talk to another boy secretly without telling him and thought of marriyng that boy. And because of the boy I used to chat with, I extended the date of getting married with my husband in front of everyone. and talk to the cousin despite his refusal ,and I always hurts him a lot, called him a dog and once he slaped himself with my hand because he slaped me then I said to him why u slapped me then he also slapped himself with my hands and he said that I slapped u and u slapped me it’s equal. I hurted him this time by he slapped himself. So I think this divorce happened because of this sins , because I betrayed his trust,I deceived him and the prophet has asked to divorce such a wife and Allah also said that the wicked woman is that one who marries another while being one’marriage. and he used to thank Allah that I’m his wife but I wasn’t like that he thankful for me and also I cheted him. And My husband never cheated me, didn’t see anyone except me, he was always loyal to me, but I talked to another boy so maybe that’s why Allah separated us because he is always loyal to me ,he never cheated me but I cheated him, he considerd me good but I was not ,I was bad spoken,out spoken, That’s why this divorce may have happened from Allah’s side, because he did not know about my deception that I do all this secretly to him.and there is an order to divorce a wife like me.But he did not know the truth about me That I lie to him, I swear falsely, I go anywhere secretly without telling him, I am chatting with a boy on the msg secretly,Despite his refusal, I talk to the cousin brother and went to meet him, went garden with him,And secretly read and listened to sexual stories, and used to imagine sex with father-in-law or other boy, he did not know all this.Maybe Allah Himself helped him to divorce me. But I never had sex with that guy (I used to chat) or anyone else, never showed my face to anyone and never shook hands with any non-meheam, I always went out of the house with full cover, wearing a niqab (burqha).And I never thought of having sex with father-in-law and that boy or anyone else ,Nor did I ever meet that boy, neither showed him my face on the phone nor gave him my photo nor talked to him on the call, just used to chat on the msg.That too because we had done a secret marriage and that boy did not know this.If we had married in front of everyone, I would never have gone against him nor talked to another boy nor misbehaved with him. All this happened because of secret marriage. And I always had this thought in my mind that once I marry in front of everyone with my husband and go to his house, And if the date is fixed, then I will stop talking to that boy completely and will never talk to any non mehram boy.and will never went anywhere and sometimes it seems that I had prayed that if he is better for me then join us and if he is not then separate us.so I think maybe this dua of mine has been accepted that’s why divorce happened And sometimes I feel that it has happened because of lying and taking false vows.And once I swore a lie of the Quran Sharif that I will never leave you and will come to your home by running away from home And he once swore by Quran Sharif that he would never divorce me or threaten me with divorce.That’s why I feel that because of my false oath that I will never leave him, his true vow, that will not divorce me has been broken.Maybe Allah wants to tell me by doing this that what is it like to break the faith by taking a false oath of Quran Sharif. That’s why we got divorced. I don’t understand ,I am confuse, I feel that the reason that I have told has led to divorce.am I right to think that?does the divorce happend because of all this?does hurmate mushahera happend because of imagine having intercourse with father in law ?does the talaq happened because of hurmate mushaerat? And I can’t get married him even after valid halala? we love each other and we want to live together And we want to forget everything and live well, by marrying in front of everyone. And now I will not commit any sins which I have done earlier.Should I tell him all the truth or not? Whatever I did secretly, chatting to the boy, telling lies etc.Do I need to tell him to apologize for my mistakes that I am not what you used to think. I cheated on you.Do I have to tell all this in order to apologize that I have done this. Because I have asked for forgiveness from Allah but not from him.Because I have heard that you hurt someone, deceive him, tell a lie, then even Allah does not forgive until he forgives you And how can I apologize to him without telling him? If he knows what I am apologizing for, then only he will be able to forgive me.If he does not know what I am asking for forgiveness for, then how will he forgive me until he does not know my sin?And if I told him, he will never love me even after Halala, even if he makes me his wife. So plz tell me what should I do?tell him or not?