I have a dilemma. I have been a Muslim for 6 years now without telling my parents. I was able to do this as I live in a different country. Things are more complicated now as I have a man in my life who I would like to conduct a nikah with. However there is a few problems, firstly the problem with my parents as they want me to marry a Hindu man, and will disown me if I marry a muslim man. The other issue I have is between my best friend and the man I want to marry.
My best friend found out about this man and got very angry that we were committing zina and so she tried to take the matters in her own hands and texted my guy friend pretending to be me and tried to break us up, she also went and told my family about this man and now my parents hate him even more. She now realises how wrong she was in what she did, however now this man I want to marry is giving me ultimatums. He says if I want to be friends with her than he wants nothing to do with me.
Please help me. I did not do anythin g and I am being asked to choose between someone I want to marry and someone who has always been there and supported me when I was a nobody, she helped put a roof over me, helped me financially when needed and was always there in my lowest of times. I love them both, I feel lik my only option is to lie to this man and tell him she is not in my life to be able to keep them both.he has
made it very clear he won’t be with me if I choose to keep this friend in my life. Please help.
In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.
As-salāmu ‘alaykum wa-rahmatullāhi wa-barakātuh.
Sister-in-Islam,
It is encouraging to note that you have left your past behind and chosen to fully embrace the religion of Islam. May Allāh always keep you steadfast on your Dīn. Āmīn.
At the outset, we would like to point out that for every new Muslim, there are many new challenges they must face in the name of their Dīn. When faced with such difficulties, one must remember that the Messengers of Allāh (`alayhimuls salām) and the companions of the final Messenger ﷺ also had to face great opposition in the name of Islam, especially from their own families as was the case for our beloved Nabī ﷺ as well. Through patience and forbearance, they achieved ultimate success in this life and the hereafter. In the face of any hardship, you should remember well the examples set out by these great Messengers (`alayhimus salām).
In regard to your specific query, it is important to understand that in order to have a successful marriage, one must be able to win support from both one’s own family and the family of the spouse. While we understand that your situation is unique, you must still attempt to explain to your parents that as a Muslim, it is not feasible for you to have a marital relationship with a non-Muslim. Initially, they may show extreme anger and dislike for your decisions, but in time they will come around and accept your decision due to the love they have for you as their daughter. In such situations, it is your duty to bring your parents closer to understanding the beauty of Islam and make abundant du`ā’ that Allāh Ta`ālā guides them to this Dīn.
Before moving forward with this man you wish to marry, we would like you to consider the following points:
1) Committing zinā is an act that is highly condemned by Allāh Ta`ālā. He the Almighty says in the Holy Quran:
وَلَا تَقْرَبُوا الزِّنَا إِنَّهُ كَانَ فَاحِشَةً وَسَاءَ سَبِيلًا
And do not even go near fornication. It is indeed a shame and an evil way to follow.[1]
By giving into your desires and having unlawful relationships with this man, you prompted your best friend to (rightfully) interfere between you and this man. Furthermore, by committing such an act, you may have also deteriorated your family’s view on the religion of Islam. While your friend may have not taken the best approach, she felt that it was her duty to stop you from committing sin and ruining your life with this man. At the end of the day, the reaction you received from both your friend and your family was a result of your own actions.
2) When looking for a suitable marriage partner, it is very important to consider the religious level of the candidate as this same person will be the father of your child and will have a direct influence on you and your future children. The man you are intending to marry disregarded the laws of hijāb and further involved himself in a harām relationship with you. This not only infuriated your friend and your family, but it also harmed your relationship with Allāh Ta`ālā. At this point, you must desist from continuing this harām relationship and distance yourself from this man until you have made a firm decision to carry out the nikāh. Furthermore, you should also make tawbah for committing such acts in the past and seek the forgiveness of Allāh Ta`ālā.
3) Islam emphasizes one to maintain good ties with one’s family and friends. The Holy Prophet ﷺ said:
مَنْ أَحَبَّ أَنْ يُبْسَطَ لَهُ فِي رِزْقِهِ، وَيُنْسَأَ لَهُ فِي أَثَرِهِ، فَلْيَصِلْ رَحِمَهُ
Anyone who wishes to have his sustenance increased and his life prolonged should join ties of kinship.[2]
Due to the actions of this man, you were forced to hide away from your family and now, are also being coerced into severing ties with your close friend. You should reflect on this predicament and carefully consider if you might be forced to make similar sacrifices in the future in order to please this man.
It is our humble advice that you reconsider your decision to marry this man and consult other Muslim women in your area to assist you in finding a suitable spouse. You should also make a habit of performing istikhārah and seek the help of Allāh Ta`ālā when finding a marriage partner.
For more information regarding istikhārah, you may visit the following links:
http://www.askimam.org/public/question_detail/14994
http://www.askimam.org/public/question_detail/21896
And Allah Ta’āla Knows Best
Bilal Mohammad
Student Darul Iftaa
New Jersey, USA
Checked and Approved by,
Mufti Ebrahim Desai.
[1] Al-Quran, Al-Isrā, 32
[2] Bukhārī, Chapter on Whose Sustenance is Increased By Maintaining Ties of Kinship, vol. 8, pg. 5, Dar Tauq an-Najah