Assalamu’alaikum, I was not sure if I could ask this sort of question on this website but I saw questions of similar nature here so I decided to ask anyway.
I am having great difficulty with my father, for years he has gambled away all his money and stole money from my mother, my mother has no income and the money she recieves is purely from benefits.
On the other hand my father works and earns but he does not spend on me and my sisters nor my mother, he does not pay any bills and my mother has to spend the benefits – which are given to her to spend on me and my sisiters- to pay off bills etc. She has to clothe us, feed us and pay the bills while my father works and gambles away all the money.
My mother on a few occasions had to pay off thousands of pounds of debt which my father had accumulated from borrowing money from the bank and friends and relatives. I am 18 years old now and as long as I can remember this has always been the case, my mother cries nearly everyday and it is very hard for me to endure, I have prayed to allaah as much as I can, I have cried to allaah.
I cannot find a resolution, I am also a student of the alimiyyah program here in UK, I have completed the first 2 years and inshallah hope to finish my islamic education after a few more years. I have learnt so much about respecting parents etc while studying and i have tried, On a few occasions i confronted my father about this problem of his and ended up arguing with him, I begged his forgiveness afterwards though.
This happened many times, my mother tells me to not get involved but it is really hard. Currently we are in debt and my mother cannot pay the bills, I am still in education and my mother pays for that also, my mother saved some money over the years and decided to pay the bills, she went to withdraw the money from the bank and realised that the money had already been withdrawn.
My father said he withdrew it. I have tried my best to keep patient but I am close to the breaking point myself. Recently my father also survived a life threatening car accident but this also did not make him chnage his ways. Please I need a resolution for this problem, My mother and me have tried to explain to him but he is stubborn and does not care. I may have to leave education and start working in order to pay the bills and help my mother but I am not sure what to do, my mother will not allow me to leave education but she also can’t afford to pay for it.
We have spoken to elders who have tried to explain to him but that also hasnt worked, my mother does not want a divorce or anything of that nature because she is scared he will hurt us financially and physically.
How can I confront my father?
In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.
As-salāmu ‘alaykum wa-rahmatullāhi wa-barakātuh.
Respected brother in Islam,
We understand the difficulties your family is facing, may Allah Taala give your family patience, understanding, and continued strength to persevere amidst such difficult conditions. In such complex situations were addictions are involved confronting your father won’t be of much help, the best you could do is to try and solve the problem with gentleness and wisdom. No matter what the situation is respect to parents is of paramount importance. Thus, you should make sure of this especially when addressing your fathers situation.
Allah Taala mentions in the Quraan:
و وصينا الانسان بوالديه احسان
“And we have enjoined upon Mankind showing compassion to parents” (Surah Ankaboot-8)
Firstly, we would like you to understand that your father is a good person that has been caught up with a very bad habit. However, there are a few suggestions that you may consider to help your father:
-A person who has a gambling addiction will not want to stop unless they admit first that they have a problem. Therefore, you will need to convince your father to want to stop for himself and not just stop because someone else wants him to.
-A gambling addict needs to stay away from casino’s/gambling websites once they decide to stop. They need to stay away from anything that tempts them to gamble again and keep themselves occupied with other things.
-Win your fathers heart and trust by being good to him. Be tactful and discuss the matter by expressing your concern about him.
– Give him examples of how his habit is effecting your family (for example, that you are having trouble in your education because you are worried about them or your family’s money).
– You can involve a local influential Alim so that he can talk to your father directly and help him out.
– If your fathers habit of gambling is encouraged due to his friends. Tell him to stay away from such people and introduce him to good people that will have a good effect on him like Ulama, Mashaikh, Tablighee brothers and the pious.
In the meantime, you and your family should also seek professional help or help to process your own feelings regarding this situation. The ideal situation would be to find trained or experienced Muslim professionals in your area but if you cannot, then at least begin to get some training on how to deal with the situation that you are confronted with daily.
You should also remember that addictions aren’t easy to reverse. Recovering from any problem can be a long and difficult process. No matter how your parent is doing as they try to get better, setbacks will happen. Many people with gambling problems try several times before they can change their behaviour for good. Therefore, do not neglect your studies especially when it is your mothers wish. By you leaving your studies will only inflict more pain to her and spoil the bright future you have ahead.
Make dua that Allah guides your father out of these sinful habits. Respect your father to the best of your ability and remind him of his wrongful nature as best as you can. May Allah Taala reward you and accept your efforts in helping your family.
And Allah Ta’āla Knows Best
Ismail Dawoodjee
Student Darul Iftaa
Zambia
Checked and Approved by,
Mufti Ebrahim Desai.
www.daruliftaa.net