I have been in a relationship for the past five years. We both are from different cultures. He is a Pakistani and I am a Pacific Islander. We both are Muslims.
From day 1, his parents never agreed to our relationship, mainly on the basis of cultural background. My parents love him a lot and accept him as a son. He stood for me many times throughout this relationship, and finally came to a point where both our parents met each other at a local restaurant.
No formal proposal has come to my home. Now, as time has been passing, we argue a lot these days over family concerns. At first his parents asked him to complete his studies, he did. Then they asked him to find a well paying job, he did. Now, the problem is that he is not supportive of my family.
He mainly lives mostly in the past, and in my family there has been a major mistake done by one of my siblings. However, at this point in time now, since he had committed to me years back, we kept meeting and talking to each other frequently. We also got physically close, with the firm intention and belief that we are and soon will be married. Now his major concern is my family, because he feels that if we have any form of interaction with them, it will harm our relationship.
But I have explained to him that people make mistakes in their lives because they are human, and not perfect. But if that person repents and changes his lifestyle and tries to follow the right path of Islam, then we should not judge them according to what they had done in their past, rather we should support them to be a better Muslim. But he is not agreeing to it and wants me to choose between him and my family.
He asked me to severe all my family ties and marry him if I truly love him. I do sincerely love him, but I know that it is not right to break family ties and it is forbidden in Islam. His intention is right, but I tell him that there are other ways in which we can handle the situation. Now his last and final decision is that I can have a limited family interaction. I can only meet my mother on Eid, which would be only twice a year, and if anyone from the specific people he has allowed me to meet wants to meet me, or I want to meet them, they will have to come to my home and meet me, I cannot go to my parents house, because everyone will be there.
I am not allowed to attend family functions and gatherings. I have sincerely loved him, and my parents always considered him a son. But as time passed by, more distance grew between my parents and him. My parents feel he is not serious anymore and cannot stand for me. I do not know what to do since I have been physically involved with him and I love him purely. I always had righteous intentions in my heart whenever I saw our future together. I love him dearly and want to marry him, but now my parents are very disappointed at him and he is not comfortable with my family due to their past.
My parents are sincere Muslims and try to live an Islamic lifestyle by all means. I respect his family too, but I want my future husband to have the same respect for my parents and family too. What should I do in this situation? Is he correct in his terms? I do not want to hurt my parents and move into marriage for my own happiness, yet I want everyone to be happy and live a halal life.
Please advise me of the best solution.
May ALLAH reward you for your help. Ameeen.
Assalāmu `alaikum Warahmatullāhi Wabrakatuh,
Jazakillah for writing to us regarding the situation you presently find yourself in. Sister, we receive letters similar to yours from other sisters, (and brothers) who go into marriages which start off with a similar scenario. A few months or years down the line, the marriage is in tatters and there is much anger, pain and grief in the marriage. Correct me if I am wrong, but I do get the impression that you are having grave concerns about where this situation is going. Allow me to suggest that you allow your mind to rule and not your nafs (and heart).
Shaitaan is your avowed enemy and he will steer you into this marriage just to cause you pain and suffering. If you are having problems now, rest assured that the pressures will grow on you after marriage. No future spouse has the right to force a partner to make such a difficult choice. Since you are not married to him, this fellow counts for nothing compared to your parents who are your Jannah. Honour your parents and serve them whilst you can. Muslims do not live with the motto “my way or the highway”. Marriage in Islam means that two families come together so that there is greater unity in the Ummah. The parents of both partners are precious and should be loved, honoured, respected and served for as long as they are alive.
Severing of family ties is clearly forbidden by Allah Ta’ala.
Your mistake also stems from the fact that you gave yourself over to him before marriage. This has led to a lack of respect for you as a precious creation of Allah Ta’ala. I suggest that you make since tawbah and cry before Allah Ta’ala with sincere repentance. Promise Allah Ta’ala that you will never commit the same mistake again and work on changing your lifestyle completely. Allah Ta’ala is most Merciful and Forgiving so turn to Him who loves you, even when you sin. As long as you give up your past life and fill your heart and life with the love and fear of Allah Ta’ala, He will forgive you and grant you better in the future, Insha’Allah.
May Allah Ta’ala guide you towards earning His pleasure and grant you better in the future, ameen.
And Allah Ta’āla Knows Best
B.A. (Sociology & Psychology) Unisa.
Social Work (NDP) Unisa.
Contact : 031 207 6483
082 833 9755
Durban, South Africa
Checked and Approved by,
Mufti Ebrahim Desai.