Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
Question
I am a stay-at-home mom of two boys, 4 and 5 years old, one of whom is non-verbal autistic) and I am pregnant with my third. My husband is a good hard-working man, but he doesn’t listen to me or speak to me. I moved away from my entire family and left social media and friends behind for this marriage and now he is my only friend.
I am becoming really sad and resentful that he doesn’t appreciate me or listen to me when I try to connect with him or let me have my friends when he is allowed to have friends at work and on social media.
I am trying to strengthen my relationship with Allah but this loneliness is growing deeper. I don’t want to burden him and I need help.
Answer
Thank you for your question. I empathize with your frustration and deep loneliness and I pray that you find a way out of this. Our hearts cannot be truly filled by anything other than the Divine, and it takes many steps to get to that point.
Divine Advice
Our Lord has told us exactly how a marriage should be and striving toward that ideal is the best that we can do for our this-worldly and other-worldly benefit.
Allah Most High mentions the very essence of marriage: “And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquillity in them, and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought.” [َQuran, 30:21]
Support
My first inclination is to tell you to get support because you must be exhausted and your body and mind are being pushed to their maximum. Can you get some help around the house? Maybe someone who comes over daily for a couple of hours? Can someone clean for you or cook for you? Can you discuss with your husband to get a break once a week by ordering out?
Please remember that in a few years, most of your children will be in school, and you will start to get a break and see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Emotional Support
Your first point of emotional support should be your husband. Often when one finds oneself and one’s husband on the same team, they can take on the world. Otherwise, one’s world can feel like it is crumbling. Try the tips below on getting your husband to open up and hear your needs.
Be the kind of spouse that you want him to be, by being kind, by being open, by asking about his day, by appreciating all that he does, and by celebrating his moments of joy. Even if he doesn’t speak back to you, speak to him, his listening will be just as good, and by Allah’s grace, one day he will reciprocate.
15 Little Gestures That Help People Open Up
Friends
Also, friendship is a basic human need, and your husband cannot prevent you from having friends. You absolutely must be in touch with people, family, relatives, old friends and you must befriend like-minded young families to interact with. Speaking to good friends can be positively rejuvenating, relaxing and bring a fresh perspective for you in life.
Please look for friends like this:
What Are the Qualities of a Friend?
Time for Change
You and/or your husband may be emotionally unintelligent, and it takes effort to connect with one another emotionally. It sounds to me like your marriage is headed down a path of very bad habits. Make new habits with him, and look at these resources, with him, if possible, and apply the tips given:
Answer / Article Suggestions:
What Makes A Marriage Work – Shaykh Hamza Yusuf
25 Years’ Worth of Marriage Advice: Hina Khan-Mukhtar
How Do I Deal With an Unhappy Marriage?
Am I Destined to Suffer in an Unhappy Marriage?
Should I Stay Married Even Though I Hate My Husband Because of His Bad Character and Irreligiousness?
Istikhara Prayer
Prayer of Need (Salat al-Haja)
Course Suggestions:
40 Hadiths on Successful Marriage: Key Teachings of the Prophet on Beautiful, Loving, Caring Married Life
Marriage in Islam: Practical Guidance for Successful Marriage
Keys to Successful Muslim Marriages: Practical lessons that explain the Prophetic Spirit of Marriage
Book Suggestions:
Chapman, G: Five Love Languages Revised Edition
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
Fascinating Womanhood
Further Suggestions:
Muslima Coaching
Megan Tuohey
The Surrendered Wife: A Practical Guide To Finding Intimacy, Passion and Peace
Turn to Allah
Another immediate thing that you can do is to start taking free courses with us, to gain Sacred knowledge and start your journey to gain closeness to Allah. Nothing is more satisfying than learning this perfect religion, and you will find it enlightening, encouraging and you’ll see that it brings balance and happiness to your life.
In addition to this, pray on time, read Quran daily with the meaning, even if only a page. In other words, make a daily routine for yourself of physical exercise, emotional support, and spiritual worship. Keep up this routine, and you will find that you are satisfied, happy and your husband will likely notice the fruits of your efforts. By Allah’s grace, your situation will much improve.
Please see these links for more tips:
Being Balanced – Emotional and Mental Health- Shaykh Abdurrahim Reasat
Balancing worship and family time
Staying Connected to Your Purpose Even When Your Marriage is Rocky
May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani