I am married and have kids. Throughout my marriage I had a lot of problems. I stayed because of my kids. The issues were mainly my husband going out with friends and returning home late at night and not showing us any attention. He spends a lot of his time watching porn and speaks freely to women. What must I do? I only cry and feel helpless. I want to leave. What does Mufti advise me to do?
Q: I am married and have kids. Throughout my marriage I had a lot of problems. I stayed because of my kids. The issues were mainly my husband going out with friends and returning home late at night and not showing us any attention. He spends a lot of his time watching porn and speaks freely to women. What must I do? I only cry and feel helpless. I want to leave. What does Mufti advise me to do?
A: It is certainly sad to hear about the difficulties and hardships you are going through in your marriage. However as a believer, you need to ask the following two questions: (1) “Is there any hope for me in such a situation?” (2)“If there is hope for me, then what does Islam command me to do at this crucial time? What steps am I commanded to adopt in resolving the problem?”
The answer to the first question is that there is always hope for a believer. As long as one turns one’s heart towards Allah Ta’ala and improves one’s relationship with his/her Creator, one is sure to find the divine help of Allah Ta’ala coming to one’s aid. After all, even the pious servants of Allah Ta’ala, the Ambiya, the Sahaabah and the Awliyaa faced great trials and tests from the side of Allah Ta’ala. Consider the incident of Hazrat Aasiya (Radiyallahu Anha), the wife of Firoun. Allah Ta’ala mentions her in the Holy Qur’an on account of her steadfastness in Deen. Despite the tyranny of her husband Firoun, and despite all odds weighing heavily against her, she never gave up hope nor did she succumb to the fitna. Instead she remained steadfast upon Imaan and she fulfilled what Allah Ta’ala wanted from her till the end. Hence we see the honour and success that Allah Ta’ala granted her in the hereafter.
The second question is that how should you be conducting yourself in the face of such problems, and what steps are you commanded to adopt in resolving the problem? The answer to this question is that you should adhere to the following guidelines in order to resolve the problem. If you follow the following guidelines, we have hope that Allah Ta’ala’s divine help will come to you.
1. You should improve your relationship with Allah Ta’ala and lead a life of complete submission and obedience. If you adopt taqwa throughout your life, follow the Mubaarak Sunnah of Rasulullah (Sallallahu Alayhi Wasallam) and refrain from all things that earn the displeasure of Allah Ta’ala, then the divine help of Allah Ta’ala will be with you.
2. If you so desire that your husband be faithful to you and he does not betray you in your marital relationship, then you need to become faithful and loyal to Allah Ta’ala. If one is involved in sin and disobedience, then how can one expect the divine help of Allah Ta’ala to come and how can one expect Allah Ta’ala to turn the heart of one’s spouse favorably towards one?
3. After your five daily Salaah you should turn to Allah Ta’ala and sincerely beg of Him to bless your husband with hidaayat. There is nothing beyond the power of Allah Ta’ala. The Hadith explains that the hearts of mankind are in the complete control of Allah Ta’ala.
4. While your husband is not fulfilling his duties and responsibilities towards you and your children, however this does not warrant you to treat him in the same manner. If you continue to serve him with love, kindness and respect and fulfil his rights, perhaps you will win his heart and this will cause him to realise his wrongs and reform his ways. On the converse, if you lose yourself and act in an ignorant and irresponsible manner, this could only make matters worse and will not bring any solution to the problem.
5. Generally in an unstable home where the spouses neglect their marital responsibilities and obligations (or they are always fighting and quarrelling with each other in the presence of the children), this reflects badly on the children. The children are not given the correct upbringing and attention and are deprived on account of the parents’ marital problems. Hence the children grow up with a weak resolve and with little determination in life. At times insecurity is perceivable in the child and at times the child loses hope and becomes a delinquent in society.
6. You should bear in mind that though going through the present situation is difficult for you, however if you as a parent become more constructive and continue to fulfil your responsibilities towards your husband and children and you invest your time, effort and energies in giving them the correct direction in life, seeing to their Islamic upbringing and instilling Islamic values within them, then after a period of 15 to 20 years, Allah Ta’ala will show you the fruits of your efforts and the success of your children.
7. Practise the following A’maal daily with your children:
- Recite some portion of the Qur’an.
- Conduct ta’leem of Fazaa’il-e-Sadaqaat, Fazaa’il-e-A’maal and Bahishti Zewar for approximately 15 minutes in the mornings and evenings.
- Do zikr of the kalimah, Durood Shareef and istighfaar.
- Make a collective du’aa at the end of each session, begging Allah Ta`ala for His special help, mercy and forgiveness for oneself and the rest of the ummah.
If your husband does not want to participate in these A’maal, then do not force him. We make dua that Allah Ta’ala bless your husband with hidaayat and turn his heart towards you and the children.
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