Answered by: Maulana Moinul Abu Hamza
Question
I am in a difficult position. I want to marry someone who I met at work. She was married around the time I met her but her husband has since died. I am 29 and she is 38. She has 3 children.
She is a good person, however, my parents are completely against this marriage. I am struggling as my parents feel that me marrying a widow is nothing good. All they say is that I am going to ruin my own life.
I really don’t know what to do, my parents are essentially happy for me to remain as I am, they don’t even discuss my marriage anymore and are keener to marry my younger brother off instead. I don’t understand why they are so against a widow.
Now, another issue is, we had our local imam come to the house and they had a very biased opinion and told me and my father that as a son I should listen to them and marry someone of their choice. He didn’t give the Islamic approach.
I am in the stages of going at it alone. I just want to get my nikah done. Please give me some advice and please do dua for me.
بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمنِ الرَّحِيْم
In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful
Answer:
If you think this is good for your akhirah, and you seek to support her children and love and care for the mother of your stepchildren, and your children without causing further disruption by getting a divorce later or anticipating such harms, then you have not only fulfilled the worship of marriage but have also uplifted the community.
There is nothing wrong with marrying who you want, providing they are good for your Deen and will help you seek Allah (SWT) ‘s a pleasure and not his anger. Parents must always be a major source of wisdom and advice, but that does not mean you must obey them in this regard. Perhaps they will warn the idea after marriage.
It is a false dichotomy to connect your relationship with your wife to be and your parents. You must always maintain good relations with both sides without taking sides against one another. Your future wife owes nothing to your parents except civility and respect. Although living with parents has a communal dimension and shared duties that will fall upon you and your wife.
Think carefully before you do it alone, as you are obliged to always fulfill the rights of your parents. Marrying who they demand is not one of their rights. If your marriage fails (Allah (SWT) forbid) you should not say, nor should your parents say, ‘You should have listened to your parents’ or ‘I should have listened to my parents.’ There is no guarantee that marrying someone they are pleased with would have worked (it often doesn’t). Rather, you should say that you have not made a proper inquiry into the value of the advice given to you. So try to really understand the concerns of your parents.
Only Allah knows best
Written by Maulana Moinul Abu Hamza
Checked and approved by Mufti Mohammed Tosir Miah
Darul Ifta Birmingham