What advise can you give to someone who’s mother in law is causing her son to give me a divorce because she does not like me?

Answered according to Hanafi Fiqh by Askimam.org

What advise can you give to someone who’s mother in law is causing her son to give me a divorce because she does not like me? Asalamualykum I have now been married mashallah for the past 11 months, my nikkah took place in Dec and rukhsati in April. 4 weeks into moving into my in laws my mother in law does not like me, she started by telling I should dress up for my husband, telling me what to do where as my husband prefers me to wear a hijaab and jilbab, I don’t sit around my bro in law alone but she says it’s fine for me to do, she swears at me and my entire generation including my parents, it seems to have gone worse where she comes out with comments of telling me to move out the house but wants to keep her son there.

My husband has supported me but he still says to me that’s his mother, I have tried to bare patience but now I am Alhumdulillah 5 months pregnent and she is still treating me the same, she says your husband is my son and you controlling him. It’s come to the point where I can’t stay in the same house as her. At the moment I’ve had a few days off from work so decided to stay at my mothers home, my husband said stay as long as you want but his tone of voice and the way he said it didn’t sound right. He’s not communicating with me properly, I have no one I can talk to about this situation as my husband says I should keep parda about my marriage but me and my husband were fine I just think his mother is causing issues. I expects me to just listen to her slandering me and belittling me and putting me down.

The other day I had finished work and come home she was still slandering me to my face and swore and my parents I lost my rag and picked up a cushion and threw it at her to tell her to shut up and then she picked up a shoe and started hitting me with it. My husband and bro in law had to get hold of her. I’m scared my husband is drifting away from me and my child maybe affected by this stress, as far as I know the same thing happened with the 1st daughter in law who is now divorced from my bro in law.

Please advise what can I do, we are struggling financially too but waiting to renevate a house my husband has on his name which is where we planning to move but I don’t know how long that will take. 

Answer

In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.

As-salāmu ‘alaykum wa-rahmatullāhi wa-barakātuh.

 

We sympathize with you in your challenging situation. May Allah make it easy for you. Ameen.

Disagreements between the daughter in law and mother in law are very common. Many times they lead to the marriage breaking down. It is important that you understand your husband loves his mother and if you continue to bring her faults to his attention he may assume you are dividing him from his family. Therefore, if you wish to have a successful marriage you should try your best to get along with your mother in law. The best way to achieve this is to show good character and observe patience. If you observe patience Allah Ta’ala will reward you in this world and the hereafter. Eventually, by the will of Allah Ta’āla, this will increase the respect she has for you and will bring her to adopt a kinder attitude towards you restraining her from insulting you as well. Consider the following hadīth:

عَنْ أَبِي هُرَيْرَةَ رضي الله عنه، أَنَّ رَجُلًا قَالَ: يَا رَسُولَ اللهِ إِنَّ لِي قَرَابَةً أَصِلُهُمْ وَيَقْطَعُونِي، وَأُحْسِنُ إِلَيْهِمْ وَيُسِيئُونَ إِلَيَّ، وَأَحْلُمُ عَنْهُمْ وَيَجْهَلُونَ عَلَيَّ، فَقَالَ: «لَئِنْ كُنْتَ كَمَا قُلْتَ، فَكَأَنَّمَا تُسِفُّهُمُ الْمَلَّ وَلَا يَزَالُ مَعَكَ مِنَ اللهِ ظَهِيرٌ عَلَيْهِمْ مَا دُمْتَ عَلَى ذَلِكَ»

Abu Huraira (radiyallahu anhu) reported that a person said: “Allah’s Messenger, I have relatives with whom I try to have a close relationship, but they sever (this relation). I treat them well, but they treat me ill. I am sweet to them but they are harsh towards me.” Upon this he (sallallahu alaihi wa sallam) said: “If it is so as you say, then you in fact throw hot ashes (upon their faces) and there would always remain with you on behalf of Allah an Angel to support you who would keep you dominant over them so long as you adhere to this (path of righteousness).”[1]

Every person has a different nature and temperament. This variation increases in broader families and marriages. The only solution for one’s peace when living with people is patience and tolerance. Hence, you mentioned that at the moment you are living with your parents, we advise that you should send your mother in law gifts and apologize to her. Although it may not be entirely your fault, if you wish to save your marriage and earn the love and respect of your husband it is necessary that you swallow your pride and make amends with his mother. When he sees that you are making an effort to get along with his mother even though she is treating you inappropriately, he will sympathize with you and understand your pain. Also we advise that read the following Dua:

إِنَّا لِلَّهِ وَإِنَّا إِلَيْهِ رَاجِعُونَ، اللهُمَّ أْجُرْنِي فِي مُصِيبَتِي، وَأَخْلِفْ لِي خَيْرًا مِنْهَا 

Translation: We belong to Allah and to Him shall we return; O Allah, reward me for my affliction and give me something better than it in exchange for it.

The Holy Prophet (sallallahu alaihi wa sallam) said:

مَا مِنْ عَبْدٍ تُصِيبُهُ مُصِيبَةٌ، فَيَقُولُ: إِنَّا لِلَّهِ وَإِنَّا إِلَيْهِ رَاجِعُونَ، اللهُمَّ أْجُرْنِي فِي مُصِيبَتِي، وَأَخْلِفْ لِي خَيْرًا مِنْهَا، إِلَّا أَجَرَهُ اللهُ فِي مُصِيبَتِهِ، وَأَخْلَفَ لَهُ خَيْرًا مِنْهَا”

If any servant (of Allah) who faces a problem says:” We belong to Allah and to Him shall we return; O Allah, reward me for my affliction and give me something better than it in exchange for it,” ‘ Allah will give him reward for affliction, and would give him something better than it in exchange.[2]

 

 

 

And Allah Ta’āla Knows Best

Saleem Khan

Student Darul Iftaa
Bradford, UK

Checked and Approved by,
Mufti Ebrahim Desai.

www.daruliftaa.net


[1] Sahīh Muslim,  vol. 4, pg. 1982, Dar Ihyā at-Turāth

[2]   Sahīh Muslim, vol. 2, pg. 632, Dar Ihyā at-Turāth

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