A few weeks back my parents got a proposal for me through a relative. This relative and his family is not liked my anyone in our entire family including myself, my mother, my father’s brothers and everyone in their family. The reason no one likes this relative is because he earns haram money, he drinks alcohol and he is very arrogant because of his wealth. For some reason my father is very fond of him. so he got a proposal for me and when I came to know the source of the proposal I already started having negative feelings about it. My dad however told me that he will not be hasty with the proposal and I don’t need to worry. when we went to our country to see the proposal, I didn’t like the guy at all.
He is at least 11 years older than me, he is very fat, he is not good looking at all. And I could have ignored all these things, if he was a good practicing muslim. But this guy never prays except for sometimes in ramazan. And he said this himself. The only plus point of this guy was that, he is very rich. Also he lives in Afghanistan. When my dad asked me for my consent I refused saying that I don’t like him and I also I don’t want to live in a country like Afghanistan. because of my rejection my parents stopped talking to me. and instead my dad took me to that same relative’s house and asked him to convince me to say yes.
I was extremely under pressure and I didn’t know what to do. So just to make my father happy, I said yes but in my heart I was still praying that I get rid of it. Anyway my dad told me that they will just get me engaged and won’t get me married before 6 months so that if there is anything wrong with the proposal, we can easily break the engagement. On this condition, I agreed. then a week before the engagement, my dad called me from Oman and told me that he has decided to keep my nikah instead of the engagement. I refused to get married like this, then he started pressurizing me again and said that he doesn’t want the engagement to happen because its unislamic. He didn’t keep his words. then to make me say yes, he said that they are just holding the nikah right now but I’ll be staying with my parents for the next one year at least before they finally get me married.
I again gave up because he wasn’t listening to me at all. Then the very next day, he called me and said that you’ll stay with us for 4 months after nikah. I reminded him of what he had told me the day before and he said that he changed his mind and that I shouldn’t oppose because if I do, that relative will not like it. My nikah happened and now I am in such a turmoil. I am suffering from clinical depression and I hate my life. I spend days and nights crying, and keep praying to Allah that my nikah ends somehow. Even if it means the death of one of us. I really don’t care about the consequences. I just don’t want to continue with this relationship. That guy I am married to, is 31 and he is so desperate for taking me to his bedroom, that it scares me.
I am not boasting but I am beautiful and Alhamdulliah perfect in every manner (psychically). The only reason they said yes to me was because I am pretty and the reason my parents said yes was because he is rich. I am the girl who never had an affair with a guy, even though I had every chance to. I knew Allah has forbidden muslims from such acts and if I obey Him, I’ll get a good reward for it. but at the end of the day this is what I get. Many of my friends were having affairs and even physical relations with guys before they got married to them but they are happy today.
And what did I get after keeping myself away from all this my entire life? What should I do now? talking to my father about this is of no use because I tried that many times and scolded me saying that he made a mistake my getting me educated. If he had not sent me to school or college then I wouldn’t be opposing his decisions like this. If the second part of this marriage happens too, I will destroy both my dunya and akhira and I don’t want that to happen. please help me.
In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.
As-salāmu ‘alaykum wa-rahmatullāhi wa-barakātuh.
Sister in Islam,
It is unfortunate to hear that your father has gone against your wishes by pressuring you into a marriage that you did not desire. Marriage is a lifelong decision that requires one to contemplate fully before choosing one’s partner. It seems apparent that this marriage was based on looking at superficial values while casting aside all religious motives. However, now that you are married, we suggest that you give some time and try to make it work. Since not much time has elapsed since your marriage, you may still be feeling resentment at your father’s decision which in turn may be fuelling your anguish and anxiety relating to your current predicament. Many times a couple may initially feel uncomfortable with each other but as they continue to grow their relationship Allah Ta`ālā creates love between them and eventually brings their hearts together. Allah Ta`āla says in the Holy Quran:
وَمِنْ آيَاتِهِ أَنْ خَلَقَ لَكُمْ مِنْ أَنْفُسِكُمْ أَزْوَاجًا لِتَسْكُنُوا إِلَيْهَا وَجَعَلَ بَيْنَكُمْ مَوَدَّةً وَرَحْمَةً إِنَّ فِي ذَلِكَ لَآيَاتٍ لِقَوْمٍ يَتَفَكَّرُونَ (سورة الروم، ٢١)
And it is among His signs that He has created for you wives from among yourselves, so that you may find tranquility in them, and He has created love and kindness between you. Surely in this there are signs for a people who reflect. [Al-Quran, Surah ar-Rum, 21]
It is incorrect to question the decree of Allah the Almighty as He is the best of planners. You must understand that He has destined khayr (goodness) for you as long as you continue to obey him and show patience in the face of any adversity.
Furthermore, if you feel uneasy and unsatisfied with certain physical and moral attributes of your husband, then you should sit down with him and kindly try to explain to him how you truly feel. Often a simple dialogue can bring about great results. You must also provide him support in reforming himself and becoming a devout Muslim. It is possible that they chose you as his spouse due to your religious qualities as well so that you may bring him closer to Allah Ta`ālā through your Islamic values.
Nevertheless, if you are unable to cope with your situation and feel that you are headed towards something that will have a negative impact your dīn and your īmān, then you should contact an elder family member who holds influence over your father and ask for his assistance by politely explaining the situation to him. You may also contact a local Ālim so that he may advise you on the next steps you need to take regarding the status of your marriage.
May Allāh Ta`ālā grant you and your family success in this life and the hereafter. Ameen.
And Allah Ta’āla Knows Best
Bilal Mohammad
Student Darul Iftaa
New Jersey, USA
Checked and Approved by,
Mufti Ebrahim Desai.